The One Where Phoebe Tells a Story
by Oldreruns
Summary: After another successful Thanksgiving feast, Phoebe entertains her friends with a tale of their past lives. All of the main cast will be included as we see if Monica and Chandler, and Ross and Rachel still find love. An AU that is a mix of Friends canon & some classic stories. Heart/Humor. As always, thanks for reading.
1. All the World's a Stage

**All the World's a Stage**

**1999**

Monica closes the door as her parent's finally step into the hallway and leave for the night. She spins around to face the rest of her friends in the apartment. Leaning against the door, she mocks wiping sweat from her brow and exhales as a sign of relief that another Thanksgiving is finally over.

"Whew. Well, that was only a partial disaster."

"I thought it went great." Chandler smiles smugly as he deposits some dirty plates in the kitchen sink.

Monica glares at him as she tries to suppress a smile.

Rachel pulls a bottle of water from the refrigerator and twists off the cap. "Well, look on the bright side Mon. Not only do your parents know about the two of you living together, but now they seem to be big fans of it. I say take the win."

Monica shakes her head and grabs the dirty trifle bowl that was still resting on the counter. She shudders as she looks at the last bits of custard, jam, beef and peas inside the bowl. "This is going in the trash."

Rachel groans and walks out of the kitchen and into the living room. She sits down in the big comfy chair next to Phoebe. Rachel looks over at her and frowns as she notices the dejected look on her face.

"Pheebs, you okay?"

"I'm just bummed out about Jacques Cousteau. I'm starting to wonder if I knew him in a past life. Maybe I was a forbidden lover of his who died tragically at a young age forcing him to turn to a life at sea."

"Wait. You were talking about that guy? I thought you meant the French detective."

Chandler steps towards the living room as he dries off a plate. "Rach? Are you talking about Inspector Clouseau?"

Rachel points at him and nods emphatically. "Yes! That guy!"

"Rach, uh, that guy isn't real. He's a fictional character from the Pink Panther movies."

Rachel brings her fingers to her mouth and taps her lips as her eyes open wide with discovery. "Ooohhh."

The front door swings open as Joey and Ross stomp their way back into the apartment, both men grousing under their breath. Monica looks over at Chandler and smiles and then returns her gaze towards the two of them.

"Uh, welcome back guys. What happened to your hot dancer party?"

Ross shuffles into the living room and plops down on the couch. "Why don't you ask Joey." He gestures angrily at him with his thumb and then folds his arms as he begins to pout.

"Ross, I said I was sorry."

Chandler drops the dish towel on the kitchen table and smirks as he walks over to Joey. "What happened Joe?"

Joey turns towards Chandler and drops his hands into his pockets. "I lost the address that the party was at."

Ross scoffs. "Uh, lost it Joe?"

"Okay, fine. We went back over to my apartment so I could, you know, freshen up. Well, it's so hot in there since I turned the thermostat up and I started to get all sweaty. That's when I grabbed a napkin to wipe my forehead."

"And what was on that napkin Joe?" Chandler chuckles lightly and closes his eyes as he nods. Almost as if he were about to savor every word of his friend's reply.

"The address to the party. Now, it's all smudged and we can't read it." Joey walks around the couch, to the other of the coffee table, and pulls the ottoman over to sit on. He props his elbows on his knees, holds his chin up in his hands, and begins to sulk.

Phoebe claps her hands and straightens up. "Oh yay! Now you guys get to hang out with us!"

Ross looks over at Rachel and sighs. "Well, what are you guys doing?"

Chandler walks over and sits down next to Ross on the couch. "Well, Phoebe was telling us all about how she dated Peter Sellers in a past life."

Ross squints his eyes in disbelief. "What? Pheebs, there's no such thing as past lives."

"Oh sure. Says the guy who believes in giant lizards."

"Giant lizards? Do you mean dinosaurs?"

"Whatever. I'm just saying, Ross, you of all people, should have an open mind. We all have had past lives. I remember this one time, we were all together, almost exactly like we are now!"

Rachel sits up and positions herself on the edge of the comfy chair. "Really? All of us? Ooo. What was I? Like a princess or something."

Phoebe turns her head to avoid making eye contact with Rachel. "Sure, or something."

Monica walks over to the couch and sits next to Chandler. She reaches down and grabs his hand, wrapping her arm around his and leans her head on his shoulder. "Phoebe. Are you telling me you remember a past life where you knew all of us?"

"Yeah, well, I remember most of it."

Ross shakes his head and scoffs. "Phoebe. That's preposterous."

"Oh, well, then I guess you don't want to know about all those scientific discoveries you made back then."

Ross leans forward and a sheepish smile spreads across his lips. "Wait, are you telling me I was a famous scientist?"

Phoebe averts her eyes, so she is no longer looking at Ross. "Sure, or something."

Monica pats Chandler's knee excitedly. "Ooo, So, did we all know each other too?"

"Pretty much."

Joey grabs at a piece of candy sitting in a dish on the coffee table and turns his body to face Phoebe. "So, what happened?"

"Well, it was the late 1500s, or maybe it was the early 1600s. I'm not quite sure. I can get a little fuzzy with the dates. Anyway, we were all in Europe. I was a seamstress in this traveling troupe of actors, and we were just about to enter this small English town when some of the wagons got stuck in mud."

* * *

**the 16th Century**

Chandler looks down at the wheels of his carriage, almost halfway buried in thick mud. "Well, there is no way around it. We are stuck in the mud."

Ross lets out an exasperated sigh as he folds his arms. "Yeah, I see that. Great. We are so close to home too."

"We should be able to get out of this. We just need some shovels and maybe a few pieces of wood from the sets."

Ross shakes his head. "This is going to take forever."

"Calm down. We'll be home soon."

Ross nods and puts his hand on Chandler's shoulder. "I know. I'm just excited. It's been three years since we've been back and I really miss my family."

Chandler shrugs his shoulders and sighs. "Meanwhile, I would love a three-year break from mine."

"What are you talking about. Your dad is one of the actors. That's so exciting. My dad is a pig farmer. Not so exciting."

"Yeah, but my dad is always wearing a dress. It can get a little embarrassing."

"Chandler, you know all the actors are men. Of course, when they are playing the women, some of them wear dresses."

"Yeah, but my dad only plays the women in these plays; He never takes the part of a man. Also, he wears the dresses even when we aren't performing a show."

Ross nods reluctantly. "That is true."

Phoebe walks over to the two men and looks down to inspect the sunken wheels of the carriage. "Looks like we are stuck in the mud."

Chandler raises his eyebrows sarcastically. "You think?"

Ross shakes his head and walks over to sit on a stump by the side of the road. "I am never getting home, am I?"

Phoebe rolls her eyes. "You only want to go home because of the letter you got from Monica while we were in France about her friend Rachel."

* * *

**1999**

Ross raises his hands and shakes his head in disbelief. "Phoebe. This doesn't make any sense. Why do we all have our own names?"

"Oh, well, I just thought that would make it easier for you to follow along."

Monica laughs and runs her hand along Chandler's leg as she shares a smile with him. Both of them becoming amused at the growing frustration Ross seems to be having with Phoebe and her story.

"Phoebe, do you know what our names were back then?"

Phoebe points at Monica. "Your name is actually, uh, Katherina, or it might have been Beatrice. Chandler, your name was Benedick. Ross, you were Lucentio and Rachel's name was actually Bianca."

Chandler smiles and nods. "What was your name Pheebs?"

"Phoebe."

Chandler shakes his head and shares a bemused look with Monica. Rachel smiles smugly at the rest of the group. "So, my name was Bianca. I like that. Sounds a lot more believable than Lucentio." She turns and flashes a mocking expression at Ross.

Ross's brow begins to wrinkle as he looks down. "Those names sound really familiar."

Phoebe chuckles smugly. "Of course they do. They were your names."

"No, I think I heard them somewhere else."

Joey shakes his head and gestures dismissively at Ross. "Forget them Pheebs. Who was I?"

"Oh Joey, I told you last year. You're brand new."

"You mean I'm not in the story?"

Phoebe looks around at the rest of the group as they all share a sympathetic expression with each other. Chandler nods, almost as if giving Phoebe permission. "You know what Joe, I forgot; you are in the story. You were Benedick's best friend, Don Pedro."

"Nice. I always wanted to be a Don."

"Okay, now, where was I? Oh yeah, so they get the caravan out of the mud and they all finally arrive in Ross's town."

* * *

**The 16th Century**

"Come on Chandler. You can help me with my bags. Plus, you haven't seen my family since we left. You should at least come with me to say hello. This way they can thanks you personally and see what good care you guys took of me while we were away."

"I didn't think your family liked me that much."

"What? Of course, they do."

Chandler widens his eyes suspiciously at Ross. "They called me a jester and a pauper."

"You do make a lot of jokes, and look at you." Chandler looks down at his ragged clothes. "Can you blame them?"

Phoebe chuckles and looks over at the rest of their troupe, who are already setting up the stage for tomorrow evening's performance. "You know, I finished the costumes on the way here. They don't need me tonight. I bet I can come with you and no one will even notice. Besides, I never get to leave the caravan."

Chandler nods. "And I guess I can come. I don't really do anything else besides warm up the crowd before each performance, and I've got all my jokes for tomorrow written right here." Chandler pats the pocket on his chest. Ross and Phoebe share a disdainful look as they both groan loudly. "I guess we just have to check with Gunther."

* * *

**1999**

"Wait! Gunther?" Ross looks around the room, hoping to find someone else to join him in questioning Phoebe's story.

"Yeah. Gunther is the guy who wrote the play. Only his name is Bill, or Will. I can't remember."

"Oh my god! I know why those names all sound familiar. They're from Shakespeare. Are you telling me Gunther was William Shakespeare?"

"That's it. William. Yeah, why?"

Ross looks around the room again at everyone else, hoping to find the same look of disbelief on their faces that he is certain is plastered on his own. "That's crazy!"

"Not really. I bump into Gunther a lot in my past lives. He was the leader of France when I lived there in the early 1800s. I met him; he was not a nice guy back then. Very short too. He was also Vincent Van Gogh; but when I met him, he was more like Vincent Van No thank you if you know what I mean." Phoebe points at her ear and twists her face up in disgust. "Oh, and he was in Greece and came up with this theorem about triangles or something."

Ross stands up sharply, barely able to contain himself. "Pythagoras? As in the Pythagorean Theorem?"

Phoebe nods excitedly and points at Ross. "Yes! That's it! Ooo...were you there too?"

Rachel takes a pillow from behind her on the chair and throws it at Ross. "Hey! Down in front. We haven't even gotten to me yet!"

Ross sits down and looks over at Chandler and Monica with an exasperated expression on his face, but both of them seem too entertained to share his misgivings about Phoebe's tale.

Phoebe straightens up once more and smiles. "Okay, where was I?"

* * *

**The 16th Century**

Ross steps down from the front of the carriage and skips up towards his family home. "Mom? Dad? Monica? I'm back!"

Monica comes in from the kitchen, wiping her hands on an apron tied around her waist. "Ross! It is so good to see you!" Ross steps back as his eyes go wide. "Wow! Monica. You lost so much weight!"

"I know. I had to do your job and mine while you were out exploring the world. I guess all the extra physical activity just melted it all away. How did it go out there in the world?"

"Oh Mon, it was great. While they would put on a show, I would wander the countryside and find all kinds of specimens and collect them. I have a trunk full of plants and flowers. I can't wait to catalog everything."

* * *

**1999**

"Wait! I'm a botanist? A Botanist! Botany is barely on the same level as geology!"

Joey looks over at Ross. "What do they do?"

Ross laughs to himself smugly. "Collect rocks."

Phoebe smiles. "Oh wow, you did that too."

"I was a botanist and a geologist? Oh, man. The other paleontologists would never let me live that down."

Chandler shakes his head in disdain. "Yeah, I'd hate to see you lose your status with the cool guys at work. You know, the ones who are into dinosaurs."

Monica waves her arms at them, shushing Ross and Chandler. "Will you stop interrupting? I want to hear what else happened."

* * *

**The 16th Century**

"Where are mom and dad?"

"They're down at the market selling some pigs. They won't return until tomorrow."

Ross nods sadly at the missed opportunity to see his parents, but he quickly finds his wherewithal again and smiles as he hugs his sister. Chandler and Phoebe enter the spacious farm house and Chandler gasps as he drops a small trunk onto the floor. "What the hell do you have in here? Rocks?"

Ross pushes his sister back and jumps down to the ground to retrieve the discarded trunk. "My samples!" He inspects the latch, which seems to be loose, and starts to fiddle with it.

Chandler steps further into the room, and his mouth opens wide upon seeing Ross's little sister. "Monica. Oh my god. Look at you. You look so great. That dress, that body."

Ross looks up sharply and narrows his eyes at Chandler. "Hey!"

Monica shoves an angry finger into Chandler's chest. "Watch yourself mister. I remember how you treated me before you left."

Chandler looks around the room in confusion. "What?"

"You called me Rubenesque. What? You think we don't hear about new artists down here on the farm?"

Chandler starts to stammer. "What? Well, uh, I just called you that because he is so organized." Monica seethes and shakes her head at Chandler, huffing and grumbling under her breath as she walks away. Chandler turns to look at Ross and starts to speak under his breath. "Wow. She can be kind of waspish, huh?"

Monica shouts from the adjacent room. "If I be waspish you best beware my sting!"

Chandler winces and Phoebe chuckles to herself. "Your luck with women here is just as bad as it was in Italy. Have you been rejected in every part of Europe?"

"Just the parts that have women."

Ross shakes his head and looks up as he senses someone else enter the room. His eyes go wide as he blinks a few times to make sure what he is seeing is real. "Rachel?"

Rachel looks down at Ross who is still trying to fix the loose clasp on his trunk. "Oh, hey. You're Monica's brother, right?"

"Yeah. What are you doing here? Monica told us your marriage was called off, but she didn't say you would be here."

Rachel shakes her head in frustration. "Don't get me started. First, there was a problem with Barry's dowry, then, I found him sleeping with one of my best maidens, and finally, he was challenged by another suitor for my hand and they both killed each other in a duel. I'm starting to think marriage may not be all it is cracked up to be."

Ross laughs, which causes Rachel to look at him sharply. "No, I'm sorry. I wasn't laughing at you. I had problems too. I was supposed to marry the Willick girl, Carol, but then she gets into this shipwreck, disguises herself as a man, and then, some woman named Susan falls in love with her and no one has seen her since."

Rachel stares blankly at Ross for a long time and then over his shoulder at Chandler and Phoebe, as if looking for an explanation. Phoebe shrugs her shoulders. "Don't look at me. This is the first I've heard this."

Chandler rubs his chin. "Wait, I think I did hear this before. Actually, I think I read it. Ross, did you tell Gunther about this?"

Ross shakes his head and scoffs. "Gunther? No way. I did tell your mother one night while we shared a glass of wine."

Chandler becomes agitated as he glares at Ross. "Oh, you mean the night you kissed my mom?"

"Chandler. I told you. It was the wine."

Chandler gestures at Ross dismissively. "Wait, so if you only told my mom, then why do I remember seeing this in one of Gunther's notes for a play?"

Phoebe laughs. "Chandler. Gunther doesn't write the plays. Your mother does. He's just a front because no one would put on a play written by a woman."

Chandler turns his glare towards Phoebe and gesticulates angrily. "Wait. Are you telling me my mother is writing all of these plays?"

"Yeah. I thought you knew that."

"Uh, no. Now I know why that play about all the fairies sounded so familiar. She's been using me for all of these plays! Well, no more. I am not telling her anything ever again."

Phoebe averts her gaze and nods. "Yes. And I too will not tell her anything. Even if she offers to pay me. Even if she pays me very well."

Chandler narrows his eyes as he glares at Phoebe. "She pays you?"

Phoebe shakes her head and silently mouths, "no" but then relents as she nods. "Okay, yes. You're mother pays me to spy on everyone and feed her gossip for her writing. Is that bad?"

Ross shakes his head, dismissing Chandler and Phoebe to their argument and smiles as he returns his attention to Rachel. He marvels at how good she looks. All of the familiar feelings he had for her before he left have come swarming around his head again. Rachel Green, standing in his home, and she is single. He can't believe his luck.

"So, are you thinking about getting married again?"

Rachel sighs and shakes her head. "I don't know. For the first year, my dad kept sending me suitors. There was this one landowner from Italy named Paolo who I kind of liked, but then I found him groping another woman in the Bloomingdale's barn on the night of the festival. I put an end to that courtship. Thankfully, I was able to get my father and your father to sign a contract. I would live here and work on the farm, my father gets one free pig every season, and, I don't have to entertain any suitors unless Monica also has a suitor. If she doesn't get married, then I don't get married."

Ross stands up and twists his face in frustration. "What! That's ridiculous. Do you know how hard it will be to find someone to marry Monica? She's impossible."

"I know. Pretty smart for a girl who wants to be able to pick the next man she is going to marry."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you said it yourself. Monica will be impossible to match up with a man. So, my father won't be able to marry me off to the next Thomas, William, or Edmund who promises him a cow. I'll be able to choose my own husband."

"What about Monica?"

"Well, if I find a man that I want to marry, then I will set Monica up."

"But you just said she is going to be impossible to match up."

"Are you kidding me. Have you seen what she looks like now? I'll find some idiot who thinks with the wrong head."

"Yeah, but Monica won't go along with that."

"Your father will if the dowry is good enough, and I think, deep down, Monica does want to get married. She is just too headstrong to admit it to your parents."

Ross nods. "You know, I think you might be right."

"It doesn't matter. Have you seen the men in this town? It is like what Monica always says."

As if on cue, Monica enters the room. "What do I always say."

"You know, about the men in this town."

"Oh yeah. There's small choice in rotten apples." Monica points at Chandler and Phoebe. "What are those two arguing about?"

"Chandler just found out his mom uses his most private secrets as inspiration for her plays."

"That sounds like fun. When is the next show?"

Chandler, finally breaking from his conversation with Phoebe shakes his head. "Oh no. The last thing I need is for you two to see these plays and share the details with every other woman in town."

Ross laughs. "Why do you care? You always said you would die a bachelor."

Chandler throws his hands up in defeat. "Fine. Fine. Everyone can come. But I am not telling anyone what parts are about me."

Phoebe walks over towards Monica and Rachel and laughs. "Don't worry ladies. I bet we can figure it out on our own."

Monica puts her hand to her mouth to hide her own laughter. "What did you say your name was again? Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Sure, but I don't eat meat."

The three women leave the room as Ross turns to Chandler. Chandler chuckles and shakes his head. "That went well. Look, I'll go get the other two bags."

Ross watches as Chandler leaves and then looks towards the kitchen. A wry smile starts to form on his lips. "So, in order to marry Rachel, I need to find a man for Monica." He begins to smugly rub his chin. "Challenge accepted Ms. Green. Challenge accepted."

* * *

A/N – So, this is going to be really weird and I have no idea if I will be able to pull it off. I am going to mostly mash up Friends canon, The Taming of the Shrew and Much Ado About Nothing. There may be some references to sonnets and other plays, like the nod to Twelfth Night I threw into this chapter.

I used Phoebe to explain why all the names will remain the same. I feel like if I refer to them as their Shakespearean characters, you might lose who is who. If anyone wants me to, I can leave sort of a cast list, saying which Friends character is which Shakespearean character at the end of the next chapter and then add anyone who is newly introduced in each subsequent chapter.

I am not going to get too hung up on how they talk and if they say things that don't actually work during the 1600s. I am more concerned on having the characters sound like themselves and I hope everyone forgives that. If anything, blame Phoebe. She is telling the story, so this is her narrative.

And as a disclaimer, I am by no means an expert in Shakespeare, and I am not sure if this will all be one-hundred percent historically accurate, but if you will forgive me the minor hiccup here and there, maybe, despite any glaring errors this will turn out to be fun. I did throw in a nod to the theory that Shakespeare's plays were actually written by other people. I may do more of that as well.

If you don't like Shakespeare or don't get the references, I hope you will still find some enjoyment out of this story. I will try to update at least once a week. As always, thank you for taking the time to read and thank you to anyone who is kind enough to leave a review.


	2. Friendship is Constant in All Things

**Friendship is Constant in All Things**

**The 16th Century**

Joey drains the last of his drink and slams his mug down on the wooden table as he belches loudly. "Oh man! That was a tasty brew."

Ross nods and smiles. "I told you guys this place was great. I used to come here all the time with my friends. You really like it, huh?"

"Oh yeah. I'd walk all the way to London and back again for another one of these frosty bad boys."

Chandler looks around the room and then makes eye contact with Ross. "Joe, you know you don't have to do that? Right? They serve it right here."

Joey looks at the two men with a sheepish grin on his face. "I know. It's just an expression."

Chandler raises his hands up and looks at Joey with a puzzled expression. "Who says that?"

Joey shrugs his shoulders and Ross huffs impatiently. He leans in over the table so he can speak softly to the two of them. "Can you guys quit talking about the beer and help me figure out what to do about Rachel."

Joey signals to the barmaid that he needs a refill and looks back at Chandler. "What's he talking about?"

"He's had a crush on Rachel since forever and now he wants to ask her out, but she made some sort of deal and someone has to date his sister before she will go out with anyone."

Joey wrinkles his brow. "That kind of sound implausible, but okay." Joey reaches across the table and starts to play with his empty mug. He then jumps up and smiles. "Hey! What about me? I'll date your sister."

Ross turns to Joey and claps his hands together. "Seriously? You would do that? I mean, we hardly know each other."

"Well, if Chandler says you're okay, then why not. Me and this guy have been through a lot." Joey rubs Chandler's hair and then punches him in the arm.

"Ow! Why'd you do that?" Joey just turns and shrugs his shoulders.

"Man. Everything is changing. Ross is going to go out with Rachel. Monica might actually get a date. Joey said 'implausible'." Chandler looks back at Ross as he rubs his arm. "Hey, you know, if you are going to go out with Rachel, you should probably get that thing looked at."

Joey turns and smirks. "What thing?"

"Ross got this thing on his, ah, backside. He must have gotten it from rooting around in those low bushes when we were in Northern Italy. He was trying to get his hands on some leaf or flower or something while we were setting up the stage in a field. The next day he got this thing. No one can figure out what it is."

Ross shakes his head and glares at Chandler. "Thanks a lot. I was hoping to tell everyone I meet for the first time that story."

Chandler nods. "Oh, You're welcome. Should we tell him about when you found out your betrothed was a lesbian?"

Joey flashes a salacious smile. "Really?"

"Chandler! I was being sarcastic!"

Joey gestures for the two men to calm down. "Ross, if you want, I know this doctor who lives here. His name is Roger and he's really good. Ever since his father died, he has been the number two doctor in town."

Ross leans back and squints at Joey. "Number two?"

"Well, the guy who works with the livestock in town is still the top doctor. I had this problem with my pen…uh, my finger, and he fixed me up good."

Ross shares a suspicious look with Chandler and then turns back to Joey. "Wow, thanks. You think I can go see him today?"

"Sure, sure. We'll go over to him after I get my refill. So, anyway, who is this sister of yours? Is she hot?"

"Huh? Oh, uh…." Ross's voice trails off as he finds himself unable to answer.

Chandler nods. "She's beautiful my man."

Ross reluctantly bobs his head up and down in agreement. "Yeah. But look, there's something you need to know before you ask her out."

Joey smiles up at the barmaid as she pours more brown ale into his mug. "How you doing?"

Ross clears his throat to get Joey's attention, but before he can continue, there is a loud clatter of noise coming from the back of the inn. The three men turn their heads towards the kitchen as they hear shouting from behind the door. Without warning, the door opens with a loud forceful slam and a small man scurries out, ducking as a metal basin flies over his head. He stumbles down next to the three men and looks up. He recognizes Ross and grabs at his collar. "My good sir you have to help me! Your sister, she's mad!"

Joey looks back and forth between Chandler and Ross. "Mad?"

"There you are!" Monica storms out of the back kitchen and raises a wooden spoon up as if she were about to strike the man.

Ross puts his hand up. "Woah! Woah! Mon? What's going on?"

Monica looks around and shakes her head. She drops the spoon to the floor. "You're not worth it. Make your own salad next time!"

Ross helps the inn keeper up. "Monica? What are you doing?"

"I came here hoping to get work in the kitchen, but this guy turned out to be a real creep!" Monica turns towards the exit.

The innkeeper gets to his feet and steps towards her. "No wonder your father cannot find a proper suitor for you. Even with such a dowry, any man would be a fool to marry hell!"

Monica turns around and smiles at the inn keeper. "Oh, I'm sorry." The sarcasm drips from her tongue as she slowly walks over to him and promptly kicks him in the crotch, causing the man to immediately drop to the floor in pain. She spins around and charges towards the door.

Joey looks down at the man, who is barely able to squeak as he writhes around on the floor, holding his hands over his groin. "Ross man, I think she might be too rough for me."

Ross moans and shakes his head. "I better go after her."

Chandler stands up. "I'll go and walk her home. Why don't you let Joey take you to that doctor?"

"Yeah, I'll show you where he is and maybe we can figure out where to find somebody to take your sister out. Preferably maybe somebody who doesn't know who she is."

Ross reluctantly nods and Chandler bids them farewell as he gets up to leave the inn in search of Monica.

* * *

**1999**

Chandler scoffs and holds his hand out, gesturing his exasperation. "Pheebs!"

"What?"

"A doctor? Really?" He turns to look at Joey. "You know who that is."

Joey darts his eyes around the room and then looks back at Chandler. "What? Who?"

Chandler looks around, trying to see if anyone else notices. "And the name. Roger. That's an awful lot like Richard."

Phoebe stares blankly at Chandler. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"You put Richard in the story?" Monica rolls her eyes as the rest of the group groans loudly. "What? Come one. Tell me that isn't Richard."

Monica leans up and places her hand on his arm. "Will you stop with the Richard stuff already. I'm sure this…Roger isn't Richard. Right Pheebs."

Phoebe nods emphatically. "Oh no. He is definitely not Richard. I don't think we know him."

Rachel leans back into the chair and shakes her head dismissively. "See Chandler. It isn't Richard. Now can we let Phoebe continue?"

Chandler sits back again and pouts a bit before finally relenting and nods. "All right."

Phoebe laughs and reaches across the table for her glass of water. "Yeah, I mean, you don't have anything to worry about. Richard doesn't show up until a bit later in the story anyway."

Chandler shoots up straight again and gesticulates wildly. "Phoebe!"

* * *

**The 16th Century**

Ross steps into the doctor's examination room and lays down on the floor. "So, uh, I got it in Italy. How much do you know about the plant life there?"

"Well not much I'm afraid. But I have seen a Cacti Cours Salelaya from France."

Ross flattens his lips and shakes his head. "I don't know if that will help Doc."

"Well, let's see what you have going on here. Why don't you lay over this table and let me have a look?" Ross reluctantly walks over to the exam table and slips his trousers down. Roger leans in and begins to inspect his hind quarters. "Ahhh. It is a kundus."

"A kundus? What's that?"

Roger ignores Ross's question and stands up. "I think I have a salve that can help with that." He turns and walks over to his apothecary table and pulls open a drawer. "Ahh! Yes, right here." He grabs a small bottle of white, tacky liquid from the drawer and a blade from the top of his table. He walks back over towards Ross, but then stops in shock as he gets closer to him. "Oh no!"

Ross, beginning to panic, turns his head wildly to see behind him. "What?"

Roger steps back again and shakes his head. "Well, I think it got bigger?"

"What!"

Roger leans in and uses the sleeve of his shirt to wipe around the growth. "Hmm, maybe it was just dirt." Roger gets up quickly and turns around causing Ross to yelp in pain. Roger turns back and brings his hand up to his chin. "Well, I guess you won't need that salve anymore."

Ross starts to rub his hand on his buttocks as he winces in pain. "What happened?"

"It got caught on the button of my sleeve and I ripped it off."

Ross leaps from the table and starts to roughly pull his pants up. "Thanks, I guess." As Ross fastens his belt, he studies Roger who makes his way back to his desk. "Hey doc, are you married?"

"Me? No. I'm much too busy with patients to meet women I'm afraid."

"How about I set you up on a date? My sister is an eligible woman and we have a great dowry on her. What do you know about pig farming?"

* * *

**1999**

Ross leaps up from the couch as his nostrils flair angrily. "Phoebe! Did that quack you sent me to tell you about that?"

Phoebe looks up at Ross and shakes her head. "About what?" She turns to face the others as they all share a confused expression with each other.

"My thing! You sent me to that crazy person!"

"Oh right. I totally forgot about that. No, no. This is totally unrelated."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah, I would never tell anyone about that." Phoebe darts her face behind her hand and tries to stifle a laugh as Rachel, Joey and Chandler all begin to snicker. "Oh man! Does everybody know?"

Monica shakes her head and then gestures towards Phoebe. "Ross. No one cares about your thing! Will you please let just let Phoebe finish telling us all about this Roger guy. Is he cute?"

Chandler turns to face Monica and raises his eyebrow at her. "Hi. I'm not sure if we have met. I'm Chandler. Your boyfriend who lives with you."

* * *

**The 16th Century**

Joey looks up quickly as he hears a loud yelp from inside Roger's office. He turns to the man next to him, who has his head down as he scribbles into a notebook, seemingly undisturbed by the noises coming from the other room. Joey nods at him to try and get his attention. "Well, I guess that appointment is almost over, huh?"

The man looks up at him, half distracted and nods. "Oh, uh, yeah."

Joey tries to look over and see the pages of the book the man has in front of him. "Hey, what you working on there?"

"Oh, well, I write. Poems mostly. Some plays. I just had some inspiration and had to write it down."

"Wow. That's great. You know, my buddy came in with that troupe who are performing the play tomorrow night."

"Really? Oh right. That Shakespeare guy that has been traveling around." The man looks back down and starts to scribble a few more lines.

"What? You don't like Shakespeare?"

"Well, if you must know, I met the man once and I think he is a fraud. He could not recite one line from anything he wrote!"

"Oh." Joey looks down for a few moments and then back at the man. "So, uh, you're a writer too. That help you get with the girls I guess, huh."

"Not every woman is excited to hear a poem. Not the women in this town anyway. Most of them, well, they lack the depth to truly understand prose. They especially tend not to like to listen to poems that are not about them."

"Oh. So, still single, huh? I know what that's like. What's your name?"

"Julio."

Julio, what if I said I had a proposition for you, and if it works out, you can make some money?"

"Well, what is it?"

"Look, how about I pay you to take this girl out for me, and who knows, she is pretty hot and if you marry her you probably get a nice dowry."

Julio stiffens up a bit and wrinkles his brow. "You would pay me just to go out with this woman?"

"Yeah. You take her out a few times and if it doesn't work, no big deal. I'll still pay you. What do you think?"

* * *

**1999**

Chandler gets up from the couch and paces into the kitchen. "I don't know if I want to hear a story about my girlfriend going out with a bunch of different guys."

Monica turns over the back of the couch to look at him as he reaches into the refrigerator. "Chandler. It's just a story. It's nothing to get jealous about."

Chandler scoffs as he angrily twists off the cap from a bottle of water. "I'm not jealous."

"You look jealous." Monica chuckles to herself. "I'm sorry if I was hot stuff back then and you couldn't get a girlfriend in Elizabethan times. You know I love you and this is just a silly story." Monica turns back to Phoebe and flashes her a discerning look. "Right Pheebs?"

"Oh totally. But don't worry Chandler. You actually do have a couple of girlfriends in this one too."

Chandler smiles as he walks back over to the couch. "Really?"

Monica snaps her head back at him and grits her teeth as she looks over at Phoebe. "What?"

"Oh yeah, well there is this actress posing as a man in the traveling production, then there is a girl in town who he used to go out with before he left."

Monica flops back on the couch and folds her arms. "Okay Phoebe. We get it. You don't have to list them all."

Chandler looks over at Monica as he sits down next to her as a smug expression falls over his face. "Oh-ho-ho! Wait a minute. I thought this was just a silly story."

"Not if I have to hear about you slutting around Europe with a bunch of women!"

* * *

**The 16th Century**

"Hey, wait up!" Chandler finally gets close enough to Monica for her to hear him. She stops and turns around as he leans over, holding himself up on his knees and wheezes as he tries to catch his breath.

Monica scoffs, but then smirks as she finds amusement at the state he is in after a short, brisk walk.

"What do you want?"

"I told Ross I would walk you home."

Monica turns back and starts to storm off again away from town. "I don't need a chaperone."

"No, Ross and I just figured to make sure you got home safe."

Monica laughs as she turns back to look at him. "I don't need protection either."

"Well, maybe you can keep me safe. This is a rough neighborhood and I've seen what you can do to a man with only a scowl."

Monica fold her arms as she allows him to catch up to her. "Wow. Is this how you are with all the ladies?"

"Just the one's that will talk to me. What happened back there?"

Monica rolls her eyes and huffs. "You don't want to know."

"Oh, okay. So, what happened back there?"

Monica can't help but chuckle at Chandler's persistence. "I was trying to get a job."

"A job? But you're a woman. Why do you need a job? Anyway, you have the farm."

"See. I knew you wouldn't understand."

Chandler lifts his eyebrows sarcastically. "Okay lady disdain."

"You make it hard not to be disdainful."

Chandler mocks her tone and then straightens out his pants as he tries to keep up with her stride.

"So, you want to work in the inn?"

"No. I want to cook. The inn is just the only place in town where I can do that, and I guess the inn keeper thought I wanted to be his mistress or something. I mean, he is much too old. Did you see that beard? That's the problem with the men in this town, they're either too old or too young. Or they're like you and they think they're young when they are actually old."

"What? We're practically the same age!"

"Are you calling me old?"

Chandler shakes his head and looks down. "So, there's no way to win this argument, is there."

"Not with me."

"Ahh. Well, uh, hey I know! Why don't you come cook for us?"

"Who? You and Ross?"

Chandler shakes his head. "No, the actors and the people putting on the play. The set designers and the seamstresses. I know we would pay you well for a good meal, and we can give you money to buy the stuff you want to make."

Monica fights allowing a smile to spread across her lips, but loses that battle as she becomes giddy at the prospect of cooking for other people.

"Really?"

"Sure, you do not want to see what we normally eat. Allesandro, this Lebanese man we picked up in France does all our cooking now, and he is terrible!"

Monica grabs his arm and pulls him close to her. "Really? You think I could?"

"Sure."

"Okay, but just to cook. I don't need another person trying to put the moves on me while I'm making food. You don't have any moves do you?"

"Well, I have some moves. Anyway, trust me when I say this. I know most of the actors and if they are anything like my dad, you are most definitely not their type."

Monica, forgetting she is still holding onto Chandler's arm, pulls herself closer to him as they walk down the small path towards her farm. "Well, what about you? You aren't leaving women wanting from town to town?"

"Are you kidding me? I'm not sure we've been properly introduced. My name is Chandler."

Monica laughs despite herself. "Well, maybe the women of Europe should be happy about that. You are probably a pernicious suitor."

"I'll have you know; I've been with at least two other women."

"Dinner with your mother doesn't count."

"I've been with one other woman."

They finally arrive at the Geller family farm and Chandler winces at the smell. Monica catches his reaction to the odor of the farm and laughs.

"It takes some getting used to. You know, It's getting dark. You might as well come in and spend the night. We can make up a guest room for you."

"Thanks. Maybe some food too?"

"You are a presumptuous one."

"Well, right now I'm just looking for something sumptuous."

Monica smirks and laughs again as she opens the door, only to step back, startled when she discovers her father sitting in the family room. Jack Geller jumps up from his seat and quickly embraces her tightly.

"Monica!"

"Dad? You're back!"

"Yes I am. Your mother too. She is getting our guests something to eat. Uh, who is this young man?"

"Oh, this is Ross's friend Chandler. You remember, he is with that actor troupe that was here three years ago."

Jack screws up his face in disdain as he looks Chandler over. "Right. The guy who convinced my son to abandon the family farm and gallivant all around Europe doing God knows what."

Chandler tilts his head and bites his lip, but then reaches his hand out to Jack.

"Right. Good to see you too sir. Always a pleasure to be with the Gellers."

Jack turns away from Chandler and wraps his arm around Monica's back, leading her through the room. "I'm sure. Judy will be thrilled you're here."

"Dad. At least he brought him back in one piece." Monica looks up at her father sheepishly and smiles.

Jack rolls his eyes and exhales deeply. "Right." He then stiffens up with excitement. "Anyway! Monica, I think I may have found a suitable bachelor for you. He is recently widowed and his children are all grown. Now he is looking to settle down with a second wife."

Monica shakes her head and sighs. "Father. I am not interested in being set up with one of your old friends."

"Oh hush, at least give him a chance. You aren't getting any younger you know."

Chandler lets out a quick laugh but Monica stifles him as she turns her head over her shoulder and glares at him.

Jack smiles proudly and pushes Monica into the kitchen in front of him. "Monica, I would like you to meet my good friend Richard."


	3. Men's Vows are a Woman's Traitor

**Men's Vows Are a Woman's Traitors**

**The 16th Century**

"Wait, so you're telling me you have three dates with three different men this week?" Rachel stood in the kitchen, wildly gesturing with the paring knife in her hand as her mouth opens wide in shock.

Monica huffs and puts a few loaves of warm bread, that she had just taken from the oven, and places them on the counter. "I wouldn't call it that. Dating means I have a choice."

Ross chuckles lightly and then reaches over as he tries to pinch off a piece of bread, only to be stopped when Monica slaps his hand.

"That's not for you!"

Ross pulls his hand back and rubs it as he stares at his sister with intense anger. "Ow! Come on! Do you know how long it has been since I had fresh bread!"

"This is for tonight before the show for when we feed the theater company! Why aren't you chopping those carrots like I told you? I need those cut small for the stew!"

Phoebe shakes her head and laughs as she leans over and scribbles down some notes in a small ledger she has hidden in the folds of her dress.

Rachel wrinkles her brow in confusion as she looks at the other three people in the kitchen.

"What I don't understand is why we have to help. I thought you had this all planned out already. Shouldn't you be done by now?"

Monica turns around sharply and angrily jabs a wooden spoon in Rachel's direction. "Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want?"

Phoebe chuckles as she stuffs a piece of carrot in her mouth. "I'm surprised you have time to cook all this food with three eligible suitors waiting for you."

"I'm getting some stuff done now and then I have a date with that poet guy Joey knows. Plus, the three of you will finish chopping these vegetables while I am gone." Monica looks around the room and then points her spoon at Ross. "Why are there only three of you? Where's Chandler? He should be helping too. This was all his idea."

"Oh, well, you see, Chandler isn't so much about actually doing work. He is more of a hands-off type of person. To be honest, none of us even knows what he does for the theater company."

Phoebe nods along with Ross and then shrugs her shoulders at Monica.

Rachel claps her hands together and smiles. "Oh, who cares about where Chandler is! You have three dates! You know what this means! I can go on three dates!"

Ross's ears prick up and he allows a sly smile to spread across his lips. "Well what do you know, it does!"

Monica leans over and stirs a pot that was hanging above the fire. "I thought you didn't like to date."

"No, you don't like to date, I don't like being set up on dates." Monica turns to look at her with a nonplussed expression.

Rachel waves her hand dismissively at her. "Oh, that's different. I meant set up with someone I don't know."

Monica clears her throat and puts her hand on her hip as her glare at Rachel slowly becomes more intense.

Rachel waves her hands around wildly. "Not like with you. I mean having my father arrange a date with some old guy."

Monica shakes her head and gasps as she angrily taps her foot. "Rachel!"

"Oh yeah, you are kind of doing all that, aren't you?"

Ross leans back and puts his hands behind his head. "So that means you don't have anyone in mind yet for these three dates?"

"No. I guess I'll have to check around. I need to find three guys."

"Three guys? You mean, you wouldn't want to go on three dates with the same guy? You know, get to know each other better and build a strong foundation?"

"Are you kidding me? I haven't been on a date in a year! I need to play the field. Hey, who is this friend of yours? Joey? What does he do?"

"Oh, uh, he's nice, but um…he is uh, not your type."

"How do you know what my type is? Come on Ross, introduce us."

Monica returns her attention to preparing food. "Less talking and more chopping guys. Ross, just set her up. Maybe she'll like this guy."

Ross rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Fine. I'll see what I can do."

Jack Geller enters the kitchen and gives Monica a hug from behind. "How is my little chef doing?"

"Doing great Dad. We're trying to find some suitors for Rachel."

"That's a great idea. You aren't getting any younger dear. You know, Richard came back from Venice with a new business partner. I'm sure he could introduce you. I think he used to deal in ships or something."

"Oh, thanks Mr. Geller, but I don't know if I want to go out with someone as old as Richard."

Monica slams the wooden spoon down on the counter and shakes her head. "I'm standing right here!"

Rachel shakes her head. "It's so funny how I keep doing that?"

Phoebe laughs again and opens her journal to scratch a few more notes in. Ross looks over and points the knife he has in his hands at her.

"Pheebs, what are you writing over there?"

Phoebe looks down and quickly closes her book. "Me? Nothing, this is a, ah, shopping list."

"What?"

"I mean, a chopping list?"

"What's a chopping list?" Ross screws his face up in confusion and reaches over to try and snatch the book, but she pulls it away quickly.

"It's just a story I'm writing."

Ross's eyes go narrow as he looks her up and down. "Oh my God! I can't believe I never realized this before! You're the one feeding Chandler's mom all the stuff about us that she uses in her plays. You're writing about us right now!"

"No, I'm not. I'm writing my own original story about, uh, Russ and Marsha, and Denise."

Ross squints at her and waves his knife around. "It's been you the whole time! This is why that story about the twins was so familiar!"

Phoebe looks around the room and Monica raises an inquisitive eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

"A couple of months ago I was telling a story to Phoebe about when we were all in Syracuse and how this guy just started yelling at me about money or something. He kept asking me where his money was. When I tried to explain that we didn't know each other, he started hitting me! Now that I think about it, one of the plays had something like that happen in it. Only it was about two twins."

Phoebe lights up and points at him. "Yes! That was Russ! I told you. I'm not writing about you. I'm writing about Russ."

Monica shakes her head and looks over at her father. "Dad, you were talking about some man Richard knows?"

"Yes, and he isn't old Rachel. He is just about your age."

Rachel lets her fingers dance on her chin. "Oh. I have always thought Italian men were sexy."

Jack Geller darts his eyes around the room nervously. "Ah, uh, okay. Well, actually, he isn't Italian, he was just working in Venice. Should I tell Richard you'll have dinner with his partner?"

"Why not! It sounds like it could be fun! Now I have two dates!"

* * *

**1999**

Ross shakes his head at Rachel and scowls. "I can't believe you."

"What?"

"I was right there and instead you go out with some other guy? Where'd you say he was from Pheebs? Italy? Was this Paolo?"

Phoebe shakes her head. "Oh, this wasn't Paolo. This guy's name was Antonio, or something. No, Rachel already went out with Paolo. He was her rebound."

Rachel turns towards Phoebe and waggles her eyebrows. "Ooo, I like that."

Ross throws his hands up in the air, gesturing his surrender as he crashes back down on the couch. "Unbelievable."

Rachel turns sharply toward him and narrows her eyes. "You can't get mad at me for something I am doing in Phoebe's stupid story."

Phoebe gasp and brings her hand to her chest. "Hey!"

"I'm sorry Pheebs. I didn't mean that." She turns back and glares at Ross. "Ross! See what you made me do."

"Well how do you think I feel. First Paolo, then Joey and now this Antonio guy. Were you ever going to think about going out with me?"

"I can't believe we are having this conversation. I am not doing this. This is Phoebe's story."

"We all know it's you Rachel. You always do this!"

"What do I always do Ross? Not ask you out in a past life?"

Ross looks around at everyone. "Well, when you put it like that you make it sound stupid."

* * *

**The 16th Century**

Chandler lets out a triumphant laugh as he and Joey exit one of the small buildings in the middle of town. "Can you believe how cute the daughter of the guy who owns the printing press is? I think I might have a shot."

Joey rolls his eyes as he shakes his head. "Nice move asking her about what kind of ink they use. Do you even know anything about women?"

Chandler pauses and looks off as if truly contemplating the question. "No."

Ross jogs up to the two men and they jump as he startles them with his out of breath gesticulations.

"Guys! I've been looking all over for you."

"Us? Well, we weren't at the printer shop talking to the owner's daughter if that's what you were wondering."

Ross screws up his face in confusion and then shakes his head. "No! I need a favor from Joey! Rachel wants me to set the two of you up."

"Really. Yeah baby." Joey allows a salacious smile to spread across his lips.

Ross glares at him. "No baby. I need you to turn her down or do something so she doesn't go out with you."

"What? Why? She's hot!"

Chandler shakes his head. "Because Ross likes Rachel."

Joey looks back and forth at the two of them. "Oh man."

Chandler pats him on the shoulder. "Look, if it helps, Ross will introduce you to another girl. A hotter girl."

Joey rubs his hands together. "Ooo, I like that."

* * *

**1999**

"Oh come on Phoebe. You have me coming off like some kind of jerk who only thinks about how hot a woman is." Joey turns his eyes down and pouts.

Phoebe reaches over and rubs his arm softly. "I'm sorry Joey. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Nah, I'm just playing with you. This other girl…how hot was she?"

* * *

**The 16th Century**

"Well hello boys." Phoebe slides a chair over to join Joey, Chandler and Ross at their table in the inn. Rachel slinks up behind her and smiles as she lets her eyes dance along Joey's broad shoulders.

Ross looks over and purses his lips. "Hello Phoebe. Rachel. Where's Monica?"

Rachel cranes her neck and looks over to the far side of the inn. "She's sitting over there with Joey's friend." She looks over at Joey. "What's his name again?"

"Oh, its, uh, well, ah….funny story, I don't know."

Ross turns and sighs angrily. "You don't know? You set my sister up with someone you don't even know?"

"Well, I knew his name when I met him, but I forgot it. Don't worry though, he doesn't get paid until after the date."

Rachel shakes her head as her eyes go wide with shock. "You paid him to go out with her?"

"Well, he's a poet." Everyone in the group begins to look off as they try to process what he just said. Joey looks around the group and then kicks Ross's foot under the table. Ross quickly shoots a glare at Joey, and Joey gestures towards Rachel. "He, uh, Rachel, right?"

Rachel smiles and nods. "You're Joey. Ross hasn't told us that much about you."

Joey stands up and closes the gap between them quickly. "Why don't you and I get better acquainted." He grabs her waist with one hand to steady her as he places the other hand behind her head, pulling her into him as he presses his lips against her.

The moment their lips touch, Rachel pulls her hand back and slaps him in the face. "Hey!"

Joey steps back and rubs his cheek where she struck him. "Hey!"

Ross jumps up from his chair and glares at Joey. "Hey!"

Chandler leans into Phoebe and smiles. "All this hay and we left the horses outside of town."

He starts to laugh and Phoebe shakes her head and offers him a sympathetic smile.

"Oh you poor man. You are going to die alone, aren't you?"

Chandler laughter trails off and he nods reluctantly in agreement.

Rachel huffs and folds her arms as she stares at Joey.

"How dare you! You don't just try to stick your tongue down the throat of a woman you just met. Why would you do that?"

Joey looks down and then he glances nervously at the rest of the group. "I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I try to put my tongue down the throat of every woman I see." Joey turns his attention to Phoebe and leans in as he grabs her by the back of the head and gives her a deep kiss.

Phoebe smiles and starts to giggle to herself, but then puts her hand to her mouth to stifle her reaction and slaps Joey on the arm. "Hey!"

Rachel twists her face up in disgust. "Ugh. You get away from me you sicko! I can't believe I ever thought about going out with you!" Rachel grabs Phoebe by the arm and pulls her up from her chair. "Come on Phoebe! Let's get out of here!"

Phoebe turns around to look at Joey over her shoulder and smirks as Rachel drags her out of the inn. Ross stands up next to Joey and pats him on the shoulder. "Thanks man."

"You just find me that other hotter woman!"

* * *

**1999**

"Pheebs! You made me a pervert!"

"No I didn't. I made you a paramour. It's erotic."

"Ooo. I like that."

Chandler folds his arms. "Pheebs! You made me a pathetic loser who has no idea how to talk to women!" He looks around the room and scoffs. Almost simultaneously, the rest of the group tilt their heads and begin to nod reluctantly. Chandler shakes his head. "Oh, who am I kidding."

Monica reaches out and rubs his arm as she leans her head on his shoulder.

* * *

**The 16th Century**

"So, my brother said that you were a poet?"

"Yes. Do you like poetry?"

"Well, I don't know a lot, but what I have read I like. What kind of things do you write about?"

Julio smiles at Monica and reaches his hand out to touch her face. "I write about nature, people I see walking by, and right now, I could write an epic poem about your beauty. It is so beyond compare."

Monica blushes a bit as she pulls back to look down at the table. "Really?"

Julio pulls out a notebook and begins to scribble down inside it. "Of course. I am so inspired to compare you to the beauty of nature, but you are far more gorgeous than any summer day could ever be."

Monica laughs and waves him off with her hand. "No." She then look back at him demurely as she pushes some hair away from her face. "Really?"

"Yes. You make the sun seem dim and uninspiring."

He slides the notebook over to show Monica and she reads and starts to blush. "Is this about me?"

"Of course it is! I just wrote it now. You are a perfect muse."

Monica looks down and begins to read aloud. "Shall I compare thee to a summers day…"

Suddenly, Monica is cut off when the waitress begins to recite the poem. "Thou art more lovely and more temperate."

Monica looks up as the waitress focuses her ire on Julio. "You!"

Monica looks back and forth between the two of them. "I'm sorry, do you know each other?"

The waitress jabs her finger at Julio and turns to face Monica. "This jerk laid this same exact poem on me last month! He didn't even write it!"

Monica turns her attention to Julio who puts his hands up. "What? No. What I wrote for you was very different."

"Oh yeah?" The waitress, keeping her eyes on Julio, pounds her finger down on the paper. "Does the next line start, 'Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May'?"

Monica looks down and then back up at Julio. "It does!" Monica grabs her drink and throws it in Julio's face. "You pretentious jerk!"

The waitress grabs Julio's drink and follows Monica's lead, dumping it over his head. "And that's for convincing me to give you money to pay your landlord!"

* * *

**1999**

"Wait. Wasn't this the guy you worked with at the diner?"

"The less said about him, the better."

Rachel shakes her head. "And you said he was lousy in bed too."

Chandler stiffens up and sits forward as he turns to look at Monica. "Wait, you slept with him?"

Monica shrugs her shoulders.

"You never told me that."

"Do you really want me to tell you about every guy I slept with?"

Ross screws up his face in disgust. "I know I don't."

Monica narrows her eyes at her brother and then turns back to Chandler. "Honey, does it really matter? I mean, do you want me to know about all the women you slept with?"

Joey chuckles and playfully elbows Ross with a jocular look on his face. "That wouldn't take long."

Chandler rolls his eyes and then sits back again. "Another great Thanksgiving memory where I get to hear about all the men my girlfriend slept with."

Monica shakes her head and puts her hands on Chandler's chest. "Sweetie, it doesn't matter who I was with before you. All that matters is who I am with now." Chandler begrudgingly nods in agreement. "Besides, none of the other men ever got to do what you get to do with me every day."

"Eww! Monica!" Ross sticks his fingers in his ears and shuts his eyes tightly. "I don't want to hear about the weird sex stuff my little sister does!"

Monica huffs and glares at her brother. "Not that!" She looks back at Chandler. "We live together. You're the only one that I want to go to sleep with every night and wake up with every morning."

Chandler lets a sheepish smile spread across his lips and he pulls Monica into a hug. They share a kiss, only to be interrupted when Rachel clears her throat.

"Now that we are done with all that, can we get back to more important matters. Phoebe! What can you tell me about this Italian guy? Was he rich?"

* * *

**The 16th Century**

"Hey! That was some meal! Everyone is still raving about it."

Monica looks up at Chandler from her spot in the meadow. "Really? I thought I saw you pick through some of the stew."

"Well, I didn't really know what everything was that you put in there." Chandler sits down next to her and rests back on his elbows. "Besides, the way you were seething and going on about how terrible men were, I was worried it could have been poisoned."

"The only thing that I find poisonous is your tongue." Monica leans forward and runs her hands along her dress. "The words that fall from the lips of most men drip with venom. They are all just looking for one thing."

Chandler slinks back a bit and looks off towards the stage. "Are you enjoying the play at least?"

"I guess so. I don't know if I understand everything that is going on. Like why does the one guy have the head of a donkey?"

"Yeah, this is a weird one. I like to think though that this is, well, about love."

"With the ass?"

"Ha, ha. Yeah." Chandler looks down for a moment. "I think, sometimes we think physical attraction is love, but then, something can happen, and someone we thought we loved, once we figure out who they really are, can become ugly and repellent. Maybe I'm not making sense. Maybe that's the point. Love sometimes doesn't make any sense."

Monica looks down and recalls how initially infatuated she was with Julio before he revealed his true self to her. "I think I know what you mean."

"Either that or it is about fairies. I'm not really good with this stuff."

"Is there anything you're good at?"

Chandler twists his face up to mock Monica as he mumbles his response. "I take it date number one didn't go so well."

"The less said about it, the better. Maybe that doctor will turn out to not be a horrible guy."

"Hey, that what I tell girls about me."

Monica shakes her head. "I'm going to die an old maid."

"You're not going to die an old maid. Maybe an old spinster cook."

Monica looks up and narrows her eyes at him. "Thanks." She exhales and allows her stern expression to fade as it becomes replaced with a more somber one. "I am never going to find a husband."

Chandler chuckles a bit but then looks over at Monica as she looks down. His face becomes serious as he studies her for a moment. "You know what. You'll get one. If not, worst comes to worst, I'll…"

Suddenly Chandler is cut off as he hears a familiar, grating voice cut through the late afternoon summer air like a dagger. He slams his eyes shut, hoping to wish her away, but those three familiar words break through his silent prayers and bring him back to reality.

"Oh! My! God!"


	4. The Course of True Love

**The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth**

**1999**

"Oh. My. God." Chandler gets up from the couch and walks around, heading into the kitchen as he gesticulates wildly with his arms. "Janice? Are you serious?"

"Oh, this isn't Janice. No. Her name is, uh, Portia. Yes. Not Janice at all." Phoebe looks down and covers her mouth as she tries to stifle a laugh.

Chandler hops up and down as he points at her. "See! Yes, it is. You are talking about Janice."

"Well, Janice has been around us a lot in our past lives. The two of you are just cosmically intertwined! You are going to have to come to terms with that."

Monica gasps and then flashes Phoebe an aggrieved look. "Phoebe! Shouldn't I be the one that he's…cosmically intertwined with?"

"What? Oh, well, not really. I mean, we should see if you guys last first before we start talking about cosmic connections that go on for all eternity."

Chandler looks over at Monica and then back to Phoebe. "Pheebs. We live together."

Phoebe nods reluctantly and then shoots the two of them a skeptical look. "Uh huh. Well, like I said. We'll see where this goes."

Monica stands up and starts to walk back into the kitchen. "You know what Pheebs, I don't know if I want to hear a story about Chandler and Janice being meant for each other."

Chandler smiles and turns to look at Monica. "Oh, ho, ho; so, when we have to listen to her tell us about Richard, it's all 'relax Chandler' and 'take it easy Chandler', or 'it's just a story Chandler'. But now that I'm the stud of the story, we don't want to hear about it."

Monica glares at Chandler and folds her arms. "That's right."

Chandler's smile slowly disappears. His bravado wilts under Monica's gaze. He turns to Phoebe and begins to stammer, as he trips over his words. "Uh, Phoebe, maybe we don't need to hear about me and Janice being meant for each other."

Phoebe waves her hand at Chandler as if to dismiss him. "Oh no. It's nothing like that. You two are more like adversaries. You know, sort of like, uh, Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner."

Monica reaches into the refrigerator and takes out a bottle of water and then looks back at Phoebe. "Oh. Well, I guess that's okay."

"I kind of like that." Chandler settles back down onto the couch, looks over at Phoebe and smiles with smug satisfaction. "So, in this metaphor, I guess I'm like The Roadrunner because she was always trying to catch me?"

Phoebe stares blankly at Chandler for a few moments as the air between them slowly becomes thick with tension. She finally relents and looks down, grabbing a chip from the bowl on the table in front of her. "Okay. Sure. let's go with that."

* * *

**The 16th Century**

Chandler shoots up from his spot on the grass and wipes his pants, knocking dirt and loose blades of grass to the ground. He stares at the woman who's voice was able to send shivers down his spine and stop his conversation with Monica cold.

"Janice? What are you doing here?"

Janice sticks an angry finger into his chest and pouts. "What? You think I would hear about you and your little stage production returning to town and that I wouldn't come looking for you?"

"Uh, well, I was hoping that would be the case."

Janice trills laughter. "Oh, you and your jokes. So, mister big-time-play-put-on-person. When are you taking me out? You promised we would see each other when you got back."

Chandler looks around nervously and starts to tug on his collar. "Uh….well….here we are. Seeing each other. Promise kept."

Janice squints her eyes suspiciously at Chandler and then playfully slaps him on the chest. "Look, you come by my place and pick me up tomorrow and we can go out for dinner. I know a great little place where they serve really amazing meat pies and chicken."

Chandler shakes his head as his eyes go wide with silent horror. "Uh, isn't there only one restaurant in town?"

Janice, seemingly ignoring him, pivots quickly on her heels and starts to walk away. "Okay! It's a date mister! I'll see you tomorrow!"

"Oh, okay." Once Janice is out of earshot, Chandler turns and looks at Monica. "How do I get out of this."

Monica huffs. "Typical."

"What?"

"Here is a nice girl, who obviously likes you, why I will never know, and you want to blow her off. You're a jerk."

"You don't know her. She is not human. She is like the plague."

"Oh stop. She seems lovely."

"Lovely? You obviously hit your head at some point today. Maybe you should lie down."

Monica picks up her dress to hold it over the dirt and glares at Chandler. "No woman should ever find herself betrothed to you."

"Is that an offer? Because, I'm not really looking to get serious with anyone."

Monica can only let a loud, exasperated groan escape her lips in response as she charges off and walks away, down the small grassy hill they had been sharing. Chandler scratches his head and laughs to himself, basking in the triumph of leaving Monica speechless.

* * *

**1999**

Rachel leans over the arm of the chair and wrinkles her brow. "Now wait a minute Phoebe. I thought this was going to be about me and some sexy Italian guy."

Phoebe nods. "Oh, yeah, well, like I said. It is about all of us."

Joey rubs his hands together and a salacious smile spreads across his lips. "When do we get to me? Who do I hook up with? Is she…" Joey begins to gesture with his hands as if to be holding a large pair of breasts. He nods at Ross as he begins to exaggerate how large they are.

A chorus of disdainful voices yell out in protest. "Joey! Cut it out."

Joey turns to Chandler, his eyebrow cocked up. "What? Don't tell me you haven't thought about it too. I mean, what do you think Monica's look like in the story?"

Monica looks down at herself and then back up at the group. "I would think they look like they do now."

Joey cranes his neck as if trying to see into Monica's shirt and nods suggestively. "What would you say they look like now?"

Ross shoots Joey a glare and Chandler clears his throat as Monica covers her chest with her arms. Joey looks around at the group, confused as to why everyone seems upset. "What? So, you're telling me I have to listen to this entire story and no one is going to describe a pair of boobs?"

* * *

**the 16th Century**

Ross finds his way into his parent's garden and approaches Rachel who is sitting on a stone bench at the edge of the property. He stops short, and tries to stay out of sight for a few moments while he studies her. A smile spreads across his lips as he thinks about the three long years he had been away, trying to forget her, only to have Rachel here, now, seemingly available and looking to be courted. He realizes how stupid he was to think he could bury his infatuation for her with his botanical studies.

"You know, it is kind of creepy having you stand back there." Rachel chuckles as she can sense how tense he becomes when getting caught off-guard.

Ross steps closer to her and out of the shadows. "Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I, uh, didn't want to disturb you."

"That's okay. I could use a break from my thoughts." Rachel pats her hand on the bench, beckoning him to sit next to her. "How are you?"

Ross sits down, and tries not to obsess over how close they are sitting. "I'm good. So, you still thinking about going on those three dates?"

"What? Yeah. Well.….I don't know."

"Oh, so you aren't sure? That's good. I think you deserve to find someone that you can make a real connection with and I think you should only date one person."

"Really? What about passion? Mystery? Romance?"

"Well, those things are nice, but they don't last without something more solid underneath. You really need to find something more than just that superficial jolt of excitement for a relationship to last and thrive. I don't know if going out with three different men is the way to find that solid foundation."

"You think?"

"Oh yeah. I think you need to pick one person that you feel really comfortable around and try and build something with them. Give that fire between the two of you time to grow."

"I guess I could do that."

Ross leans in seductively. "So, do you have anyone in mind? Perhaps someone who knows you well? A person that you already get along with? Someone smart, maybe they're into science, and dashingly handsome."

"Oh, I don't know if I want to go backwards and date Barry again. No, I think I will do what you said. I'll tell your dad to let Antonio know I want to go out with him."

Ross covers his mouth with his hand and tries to suppress his frustration. He finally resolves to shoving his fingers into his mouth, but the tension he feels causes him to bite down, almost breaking the skin. He yelps but then clumsily attempts to compose himself. "Oh, that sounds great."

* * *

**1999**

Joey shakes his head and "What is it with you and Italians? First Paolo, then this Antonio guy? Rach, if you wanted to sleep with an Italian guy…" he raises his hand and points at himself. "I mean, I'm better looking than Paolo was."

The three girls tilt their heads and all give an unconvincing, "yeah" in response.

Joey's eyes bulge as his voice cracks. "What?"

Rachel reaches out and touches his arm gently. "We don't think about you like that, because, well, I mean, you're Joey. With Paolo, he had this whole Antonio Banderas vibe going."

Monica nods as her eyes glass over. "Yes, the long hair, and that barrel chest, and he had that tight little..."

Chandler shoots Monica a look as he folds his arms tightly and interrupts her. "Hello, My name is Chandler. I don't know if we've met. I've been your boyfriend for over a year. We live together now."

"Oh, come on Chandler. It isn't like I want to go out with him. I mean, it's like when I catch you looking at my Victoria Secrets catalog. I don't get mad that you ogle those women. I understand it doesn't mean anything."

"For your information, I was looking through that catalog to find something to buy for you for Christmas. But now you ruined it."

Monica shrinks down a bit, her cheeks flush with embarrassment. "Oh, really? Okay. I'm sorry then. I didn't know.''

Monica reaches over to grab her water from the coffee table and Chandler looks at Joey. Chandler gestures with his hands as if he were holding a pair of large breasts and Joey smiles lasciviously. Monica turns quickly to look at Chandler and he moves his hands around to make it look as if he were miming thumbing through the pages of a book.

* * *

**the 16th Century**

Ross shakes his head. "I can't believe this."

Phoebe looks over and her brow wrinkles in puzzlement. "What?"

"Haven't you been listening? Rachel is going to go out with that Antonio guy three times. I can't compete with that."

Joey nods in agreement and Chandler catches his attention, lifting his eyebrows to gesture for Joey to stop. Joey's eyes go wide as he realizes what Chandler was trying to communicate and then slaps his hand down on Ross's shoulder. "Oh, no. She probably won't even like the guy."

Phoebe nods "Yeah. I mean, she is blind right?"

Ross twists his face up a bit, stymied by her question. "Phoebe, Rachel isn't blind."

"Oh, then, yeah, you have no chance. Have you seen that guy?"

Ross shakes his head, silently stunned at Phoebe's words. "No, I haven't. Nobody has."

"Oh right. What do you think he looks like?"

Ross shakes his head and huffs. "What do I do?"

Chandler shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know. I think you just have to accept that things aren't going to work out with you two. She's going to date that Italian guy, your sister is going to date that old guy, and everyone is going to end up getting married. I think it's over."

"What does Monica have to do with this?"

Chandler stiffens up and nervously shakes his head. "What? Oh, nothing. I just was trying to say that it looks like Rachel's set on seeing what this Italian guy is like."

Joey nods. "If only there was a way we could stop them from going out."

Ross nods. "You know, that's not a bad idea. We just have to figure out a way to stop him from being around. He works with Richard. Maybe we can get some information about Antonio from him and use it against him."

Chandler looks up nervously. "Oh, so, uh, we're going to see Richard and Monica?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Well, I won't be able to go because I have a date myself. So, don't plan on me being there. I need everyone to know, that I am on a date."

Ross, Phoebe and Joey all look at each other, bemused by Chandler's behavior. Joey places his hand on Chandler's shoulder. "Okay pal, you can sit this one out."

Ross smiles and begins to bounce in his chair with excitement. "We can find out the names of some people he knows and make up an emergency. Make it seem like he has to run home and fix it."

Phoebe tilts her head and flashes Ross an inquisitive look. "Do you think that's going to work?"

"I don't know. But I can't let some hairy Italian get to her first!"

"Hey!" Joey shoot Ross a angry glance, staring at him until his eyes betray how insulted and hurt he feels.

"I didn't mean that. I'm sure Italians have the same proportion of hair on their bodies as any other person. I just hate that guy so much!"

"I thought you said you never met him."

"In theory Phoebe. I hate him in theory!" Ross balls his hands up into fists and tries to quiet himself by banging them on the underside of the table.

Joey starts to get up from his chair. "Let's go find Richard. No sense in wasting time here." He looks over at Chandler and smiles. "Do you want us to tell Monica you said hi or something?"

"What? Why would I care if you see Monica? You know, sometimes, I don't even like Monica."

"Uh, okay."

* * *

**1999**

"I can't believe you are going to go and try to screw up me and this Italian guy that Phoebe made up for this story."

"Just to be clear, I didn't make him up. This all really happened."

Ross looks at Phoebe and shakes his head, he then turns to look at Rachel. "What are you getting mad about?"

"This is typical of you Ross. You do these types of things. You try to sabotage any chance at happiness I could have without you because you think you know what's best for me."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Remember Mark? All he wanted to do was get me a job, and you freaked out. Is that how it is always going to be? You'll just meddle in my life from now until the end of time."

Phoebe sits up on her legs and interrupts Rachel. "Technically, he always meddled with your past lives up until now. I haven't really felt comfortable about telling any of you about your next lives. That's too much pressure. Everybody always wants to be a king or something and when you tell them they're a bag boy at the Stop and Shop, they get mad at you."

Rachel closes her eyes for a moment and shakes her head to try and rattle Phoebe's words out of her brain. She then looks back at Ross. "Seriously though Ross. Why do you do things like that?"

Ross looks around the room, everyone seems to be averting his direct gaze as palpable tension fills the room. He turns back to face Rachel and stands up. "You know, excuse me for thinking you could do better than Paolo, who couldn't wait to grope one of your friends while you weren't around."

"This isn't about Paolo; this is about you and how you always think you know better than me. Even now, we aren't dating, and you still tell me what to do. We'd still be married if I didn't get that call from your lawyer!"

"Hey! I thought we were past that!"

"What? That you turned me into a divorcee? I think the statute of limitations on being angry about that last a little longer than a few months."

"You know what, I don't have to sit here and listen to this." Ross gets up and storms towards the front door. "If there is anything I know, its how to handle an ex-wife."

Rachel stands up from the chair and stomps over towards the spare room. "You got enough of them to know how, that's for sure."

Ross raises his hands and bangs his arms together, signaling the Geller middle finger as he turns and leaves, slamming the door behind him. Rachel grunts loudly and charges into the spare room, she swings the door shut with a bang, trying to outdo the noise that Ross's exit from the apartment made.

Monica looks over at Chandler as her eyes go wide. "What just happened?"

Chandler points at the door to the spare bedroom. "She knows she doesn't live here anymore, right?"

* * *

**The 16th Century**

Monica and Richard walk back towards her family farm, their arms linked together. She smiles up at him and laughs. "I have to tell you; I did not think this was going to work."

Richard nods slowly. "Because I'm old."

Monica stammers a bit as she tries to deflect. "No, its because, uh, you have a mustache. I never really liked those before."

Richard chuckles and pulls Monica in closer to him as they turn down the path towards her home. "It grows on you." They continue walking quietly. "So, that was weird with your brother and his friends coming over and asking all about Antonio."

"I know. I am so sorry."

"That's fine. Quite a group going there. Phoebe, Joey, Ross. All that was missing was that Chandler guy we always see hanging around."

Monica chokes out a cough and shakes her head. "What? I'm not seeing Chandler."

"Huh?"

"What?"

They walk quietly again for a few more minutes and Monica looks up at the moon. "Anyway, I think this is exactly what I needed to restore my faith in men. You're mature, smart, you don't play games, and, well, you are very handsome."

"Ha, ha. You aren't so bad yourself young lady Geller."

Monica blushes as they approach the door. "I know the date is over, but, I don't really want it to be."

"We can sit here and talk for a little while if you'd like." Richard lowers himself down to sit on the step in front of Monica's family home. She eases herself down next to him and smiles. "So, Monica, your dad tells me you like to cook."

"I do. I'm hoping to work in a kitchen one day. I enjoy it so much."

You mean, like as a job? You want to work?"

"Why, yes. I don't really enjoy pig farming."

Richard laughs. "I can see that." He looks down and nods. "I don't think that is going to work out for you though. Women don't really work around here."

"I know. I always thought maybe I could leave town. Go to a big city, and find a place to cook there."

"I do travel a lot, and I have seen women with jobs, but I couldn't have the woman I marry work in a kitchen."

Monica laughs, but then quiets herself as she sees the stoic look on Richards face. "Uh, well, this is just our first date. We don't need to be talking about marriage."

"I know, but your father and I discussed it and we think you and I make a smart match. We've actually agreed on a dowry already. I would get a portion of the farm, he would get a percentage of my shipping company. I'd hire help so you wouldn't have to do any farming, just take care of the house."

"Uh, that isn't exactly how things are going to work with me. My father isn't going to match me up."

Richard furrows his brow in confusion. "But, that's how it has always worked. Can't you see, It's perfect. We get along, you and I are both very good looking so our children will be attractive. You can cook at our home. Tend to the children we raise here, I can travel back-and-forth between Venice and London for work. Stopping here in between."

Monica starts to shift in her seat and tries to stand up gracefully, but stumbles a bit as she steadies herself. "Uh, I'm sorry, but maybe this isn't working out."

"What? Oh, come on Monica. You just said yourself earlier how this was the best time you've had on a date. I'm still the same person that you seemed so smitten with. I just have more traditional values." Richard places his fingers on his chin. "It's these damn plays. They're very subversive. I told the town council they shouldn't let them perform here."

"Richard. I have felt like this long before the theater company came into town. I need more than to just get along with the man I marry and spend my life raising his kids and cleaning his house, and that's if I marry at all."

"What? You want to be some spinster cook?"

Monica turns angrily towards her door. "I think maybe we've taken this as far as we are going to go."

"I'd talk to your father. He and your mother are already making arrangements for us."

"Well, those arrangements are going to have to be cancelled."

"Wow, you are going to need to be broken in like a bucking mule, aren't you?"

Monica huffs and walks into her home. "Good night!" She slams the door behind her and begins to fume as she stomps into the kitchen in search of her father.

* * *

**1999**

"Phoebe. Richard was nothing like that."

"I told you, this wasn't Richard, this was Petruchio."

"Whatever, I mean, you clearly based him off of Richard and he would never act like that."

Chandler raises his eyebrows and shakes his head. "Mon, she's telling a story that takes place in the 1500s. That's how it was back then."

Monica turns and looks at Chandler. "Who's side are you on?"

"Why do you care what this guy is like in the story?"

"It's just…"

"Wait. Are you getting defensive because you think this guy is based on Richard and Phoebe is making him look bad."

Phoebe raises her finger in the air. "I just want to point out one more time, this isn't Richard."

Monica gets up and rolls her eyes. "Oh, come on Phoebe. And older man who is friends with my father?"

Phoebe nods. "I can see how you might have gotten the wrong impression."

"It's the only impression!"

Chandler stands up. "I can't believe this. This is what's getting you mad? Not how me or Ross or Joey come off, but because Phoebe is being mean to Richard?"

"No. It isn't that, I just…"

Chandler gets up and walks around the back of the couch, pacing angrily. "I can't believe this. You're still hung up on him."

"Chandler, that isn't it at all. Will you listen to me!"

"Right. I'm sure you're just upset about historical inaccuracies in Phoebe's story."

Phoebe chuckles. "Oh, yeah, because some text book you read got it all right."

Monica, ignoring Phoebe, gets up to face Chandler. "What do you think? That I still have feelings for Richard? Because living with you and us having sex every night is a really weird way for me to express those feelings."

"No, it's just…"

Monica huffs loudly and starts to walk towards their bedroom. "Maybe I care about it because Phoebe doesn't need to make Richard out to be a bad person in order for you to look good. We don't need made-up stories that turn him into some sort of villain so that you don't feel like he is some kind of threat to our relationship."

Phoebe stands up and smooths out her dress. "Again, this isn't Richard."

Both Monica and Chandler look at her and shake their heads. They quickly return their gaze to each other. "What we have, it doesn't need to be protected by making up stories to make any of my exes look bad. You don't need, a handicap in order to score well. When are you going to get that?" Monica storms off into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Chandler looks around the apartment for a few moments and starts to walk out towards the front door. "There aren't any more rooms left for me to storm off to!" He leaves the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Phoebe sits back down on the floor and shakes her head. Her and Joey sit alone in silence for a few moments, unsure of what they should do. Joey looks over at Phoebe and taps her on the shoulder.

"So, what happens next? Do I hook up with a hot girl?" Joey starts to gesture again as if he were holding a pair of large breasts.

Phoebe looks away and mutters to herself quietly. "Oh, no."


	5. Our Wills & Fates Do So Contrary Run

**Our Wills & Fates Do So Contrary Run**

**1999**

Joey looks over at Phoebe and shakes his head. "So, uh, what do we do now?"

Phoebe straightens up as she slides her legs underneath her. "You know, this is just like what happened in our past life."

"Everyone got in a fight and went into separate rooms?"

Phoebe starts to flail her arms around. "No. This next part is all about me."

Confusion quickly flashes across Joey's face, but then he nods sagely as if he unlocked a secret code. "So, what happened next? What am I doing?"

Phoebe looks down and stammers a bit as she searches her mind for something to say. "Right. You are in this too. I haven't been making up your part. Not at all!" She then claps her hands together. "We're hanging out! That's it. Me and you!"

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Nora Bing, sitting at a desk set up in her tent, looks up for a moment when Phoebe and Joey walk inside. She raises an admonishing eyebrow as she places her quill pen back down into an empty inkwell. She keeps her gaze on the papers that are spread about the desk instead of making eye contact with her two visitors. "I'm very busy. Can I help you?"

Phoebe smiles and curtsies as she steps closer to Mrs. Bing. "This town is a goldmine!"

Joey shifts his eyes between the two ladies and begins to back out of the tent. "Uh, maybe I should go and leave you two alone to talk."

With a wave of her hand, Nora dismisses his reservations. "Not at all. Stay. It is always nice to have something pretty to look at while I work." She leers at Joey for a moment, making him physically uncomfortable, before she returns her attention to Phoebe. "Well, what's going on?"

"Are you kidding me? We have star-crossed lovers, unrequited love, a jester, a Lothario, a father trying to marry off his daughter, an older man trying to bend a headstrong woman to his will, and…you know…there's me. I've got stuff going on too."

Nora winces and shakes her head. "My son is the jester, isn't he?"

Joey chuckles and Nora eyes him up and down again. He looks around the room nervously and gives a quick nod. "Sorry."

Nora leans in and smiles. "That's quite all right Joseph." She places her hand on his knee and almost purrs. "So, how are you doing?"

Joey looks over at Phoebe and shudders. "Phoebe. I'm scared."

* * *

**1999**

Chandler walks back into the apartment with Ross close behind him. "Joey, you have to do something about the heat in your place. It feels like it's a hundred degrees in there!"

Phoebe claps her hands and sits up straight. "Oh! You're back!"

Joey smiles. "So, did you want to take your clothes off?"

Chandler looks at Ross and then back at Joe. "No. Ross and I did not want to get naked with each other. For future reference, it will never be hot enough for that to ever happen."

Joey shakes his head angrily and huffs out loud. "Dammit!"

"Sorry to disappoint you buddy." Chandler walks over to the couch and sits back down. "Well, Ross and I talked and we figured that maybe we were overreacting." He gestures towards Phoebe. "I mean, neither one of us knows how this story will end, and also, I don't really have anywhere else to go since I live here now." Phoebe and Joey nod and Ross shakes his head. "Anyway, between Janine's potpourri and Joey having the thermostat on ninety-nine degrees, it's like a funeral parlor in there."

Phoebe giggles and then looks over at Ross. "What about you?"

"Me? Well, uh, I think maybe I should talk to Rachel first." He points towards the spare room. "Is she still in there?"

Phoebe nods and Ross walks towards the door. He gently knocks and leans his head against the frame. "Hey, uh, can I come in?"

"Fine." Rachel's muffled voice through the door conveys her mood clearly to everyone in the living room. Chandler and Joey wince in response, both happy they are not going to be on the wrong side of the conversation that the two of them seemed destined to have.

Ross turns to look at Chandler and smirks. "Hey! Don't look so relieved! You still have to deal with Monica! That's going to be way worse." He then slips into the bedroom before anyone can respond.

Joey turns back to look at Chandler. "He's right. What are you going to do?"

Chandler sits back and chuckles. "Oh no my friend. I am not in the wrong here. If anything, she should be trying to make up with me! Any minute now, she will come out here and apologize. Any minute."

Phoebe turns her head from Monica's bedroom door back to Chandler. "You're too scared to go in there, aren't you?"

"Terrified."

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler can barely hold his head up as he props his arm on the table and rests his chin in his hand. Earlier, during dinner, he wondered to himself exactly how long Janice could speak without stopping. She seems to be able to thread any two subjects together, with the weakest of links, without taking a breath. He thought to try and count the seconds in his head, and he tried to make a game of it, but he ran out of patience when he reached 2,340. Having abandoned waiting her out, he decided to do everything he could to make it appear as if he were paying attention. Whenever she took a quick pause, he either nodded, laughed or offered her a quick, "Yeah" in response. That lasted for a little while until he began to lean over and almost nodded off with his head dropping in his soup. Now, it is taking all of his self-control to keep his eyes open as he holds his head in place.

"Well, then, my mother gets sick and I have to take over the sewing. Do you know how many quilts and sets of winter sleepers this town needs? It is unbelievable. And you know the only wool available for me to use is havoc on my sinuses. I mean, you should hear me, I get all nasally." She starts to make a high-pitched honking sound. "It's happening now. You aren't wearing wool, are you?" She honks again in an exaggerated manner. "You hear that? It's happening again." She lets out one last, loud honk. "Maybe this is just how I will sound from now on." She trills laughter that sends daggers through Chandler's spine as he squirms in his seat. "Anyway, thank God my grandmother taught me because you know my mother was never going to. So, there I was, making a quilt for the Johannesburg family. You know them, they're that family from Germany who moved into town a few years ago. Anyway, I heard that their daughter has been in a secret love affair with the man who runs the apothecary in town. Now I'm not one to judge, but…"

Chandler, finally finding his voice, weakly tries to interrupt her. "Janice…"

"What?"

"You've been talking for almost two hours straight. I think I'm officially caught up."

Janice points and laughs loudly at Chandler. "Oh, you. You're just looking for a little bit of the Jan-love. Well, let me tell you something mister, this store is closed. From now on, if you want any sugar from me, you are going to have to commit. No more running around England for three years at a time. You stay here in town and we run my family's business together."

"Wait, so you're saying that if I can't commit to you, then me and you are over?"

Janice reaches across the table and squeezes Chandler's face with her hand. "Look, I'm not going to wait around forever. Not even for my little Bing-a-ling. But now that you're back, we can start planning our future."

Chandler stands up quickly and begins to gesticulate nervously. "But, uh, I'm not staying."

Janice pulls her hands to her chest and whimpers lightly as her voice cracks. "You're not?"

"No!" Chandler begins to walk around and mocks a distraught tone, trying to signal his disappointment to her. "Oh! Cruel fate. To bring us back together, only to pull us apart again."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm, uh, well, you see…"

Janice stomps her foot and starts to tap her fingers on the table impatiently. "Chandler! Are you going somewhere or not?"

"I am! The whole troupe is, uh, relocating, to, ah…London. Yes. We are all going to London because they are, uh, opening a theater for us."

"What?"

"Yep. Our own theater. We'll be performing there from now on. I don't suppose you can come to London with me, right?"

"I can't. I have my family's business to run."

Chandler mocks an exaggerated reaction of frustration to her words. "Dammit! I did not think this through!" Chandler stands up and gathers his belongings. "Well, there's no need to drag this out. You know, make it more painful than it has to be, so, uh, goodbye now, see ya, bye, bye."

Janice stands up and grabs his hand. "Wait! If this is goodbye, then, maybe, we should have one last kiss."

Before Chandler can protest, Janice moves closer to him and presses her lips roughly against his, running her hands through his hair and lightly digging her nails into his scalp. Chandler's arms flail about as he seems unable to disconnect from her. Janice finally releases him from her grasp and the two settle back on opposite sides of the table.

Chandler groans and strains to speak. "That's going to leave a mark."

"Goodbye Chandler Bing."

Chandler straightens out his shirt and turns towards the door. In his haste, he loses sight of where he is going and bumps into the person entering the inn on his way out the door.

Ross, surprised to see Chandler, smiles as he grabs him by the shoulders. "Hey buddy! I was looking for you. I need someone to talk to about what my next move with Rachel should be."

Chandler, looking over his shoulder nervously, returns his shaky gaze to Ross. "Oh, uh, well, I don't have time right now. I have a lot to do!"

Before Ross can reply, Chandler hops out of the inn and frantically bounds his way down the street. Ross shakes his head and continues walking into the inn as he looks around for an empty table.

"Ross Geller? Is that you?"

Ross shudders as the familiar, shrill tones of Janice's voice fills the room. He turns to look at her and she smiles. His face goes white as she gestures for him to join her at her table. Ross, at the prospect of sharing a meal with her, can only look down and mutter, "Oh. My. God." Under his breath. He plasters a fake smile on his face and reluctantly strides over to her table.

* * *

**1999**

Monica slowly opens the bedroom door and peers out to see Chandler, Joey and Phoebe in the living room. Chandler, almost as if he could feel her eyes on him, looks up.

"Hey."

Monica steps out of her room and slowly walks towards the couch. "Hey, look…"

Before she can finish, Chandler cuts her off. "I'm sorry. I know I was overreacting and being immature, but in my defense, I am a very reactionary and immature person."

Monica looks down and shakes her head as a small smile appears on her lips. "I'm sorry too. I should take how you feel about things seriously, no matter how ridiculous they are and no matter how stupidly you are behaving about it."

"That's an apology?" Chandler laughs and smiles. "So, we're okay?"

Monica saunters over and sits in his lap as she puts her arms around his neck. "We're okay." She places a slow kiss on his lips as they wrap their arms around each other. Their kiss deepens as Monica turns her body and straddles Chandler, her knees now on either side of him as he run his hands down the curve of her hips.

Joey looks over at Phoebe and clears his throat. "Uh, guys? You know we're still here, right?"

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler walks down the stone path that leads to the Geller home as he grumbles to himself, preoccupied with trying to figure out how to get the theater group to London. Once he reaches the door, he allows his shoulders to relax and he exhales. He has spent the last three years sleeping on the floor in a tent while the theater troupe traveled through Europe. Every noise in the night and change in the weather keeping him from a deeply satisfying slumber throughout all that time on the road. He thought he may never get another good night's sleep again until Ross offered to put him up at his parent's home while they were back in town. These last few days, sleeping on an actual bed, even if it was in the backroom closest to the farm and the all the smells that come with it, was a welcome change to life out in the wild.

He slowly opens the door and looks around, finding Jack Geller wrapped up in a thick robe over his night clothes. Jack looks up and smiles. "Chauncy! How are you doing?"

"Uh, its Chandler."

"That's right. So, how is that mother of yours? You know, she could stay here too."

Chandler twists his face up in discomfort and raises his shoulders in a defensive position. "Oh, yeah. Right. Well, you know, my mother has a very nice tent."

Jack Geller nods as the salacious look in his eyes fades away. "Oh, right. Well, how are you son?"

"I'm fine." Chandler looks up at Jack and gestures towards him with his hand. "Oh, thanks for letting Monica cook for us this week. You know, she is really good at it."

"Oh, I know. She has been cooking meals here for years."

"You know, I think she really she likes doing it."

Jack raises an eyebrow and snorts. "Well, sure she does. She used to play restaurant when she was a little girl."

Chandler shrinks down and puts his hands in his pockets. "Have you and Judy ever thought about letting her try and do it for real?"

"What?"

"I just meant…"

"You mean it wasn't good enough for you to take Ross away from us for three years, but now you want to take Monica too?"

Chandler begins to gesticulate and stutter. "What? No! Not at all. I don't want Monica."

"We have a farm here son. What do we do if both our children don't want it?"

Chandler looks down. "Well, you could sell it, maybe buy a home somewhere warm and retire."

Jack shakes his head. "Besides. Monica is going to marry Richard and then combine our businesses and have a bunch of babies. She won't have time to cook for anyone else."

"Sure. Sure. I didn't mean anything by it."

Jack eyes him suspiciously but then nods and places his hand on Chandler's back, guiding him towards the back of the house. "Okay. Well, if you want, the wash basin is available. You might want to think about using it and getting some of that road stink off of you."

Chandler lifts his arm and sniffs at himself. "Yeah, maybe you're right, thanks."

Jack points towards the back of the home and nods. "Okay, right down there and to the left."

Chandler sheepishly walks down the hallway and enters the last door on the left. He can feel the wet heat from the steam already as he notices the basin is full with water that someone must have heated up on the fire for him. There are bubbles forming at the surface of the water as the bar of soap must have fallen into the tub and started to dissolve.

Chandler screws up his lips and shakes his head at the bath awaiting him. "I hate these things." He undresses and hangs his clothes up on the hooks behind the door, sniffing each garment to see if they are the source of his own foul odor. He slowly settles into the tub, and despite his misgivings, feels at ease as the soothing heat from the water relaxes his muscles and calms his mind.

Before he can react to the jiggling of the knob, the door opens and he ducks down into the water, hiding among the bubbles as he peers over the edge. He thinks to protest the appearance of his intruder, but before any words can slip from his lips, his mouth drops as he sees Monica enter the room and quickly disrobe. He starts to sink lower into the water, trying to hide when she turns and sees him.

Monica screams as she covers her chest. "What the hell are you doing in here!"

Chandler covers his eyes and turns his head. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Monica quickly grabs her robe and wraps it around her body. "Why are you in my bath!"

"Your bath? I thought someone set this up for me."

"What?" Monica flails her arms as her robe opens slightly. "Why would you think…"

"Mon? Uh, before you continue yelling at me, your robe is open and I can see your, uh, nipular area."

Monica huffs and turns around as she tightens her robe again. "This is completely unacceptable bath decorum!"

Chandler squirms around in the bath, trying to move the bubbles around to cover himself. "What? But I thought! I just…your father…and I…my clothes are right there and…"

Monica turns to storm out of the washroom. "Next time, maybe ask before you just take someone else's bath! No matter how cute you might think look in bubbles!" She slams the door behind her as she leaves Chandler in her wake.

Chandler sloshes some of the water around and shakes his head. "Wait…did she say I was cute?"

* * *

**1999**

Ross and Rachel walk out of the spare bedroom and quietly join the group. Rachel returns to the big comfy chair and Ross sits down next to Monica and Chandler on the couch. They sit in silence and everyone else looks at each other, sharing inquisitive glances, as they try to decipher what transpired inside the other bedroom.

Finally, Joey, who looks about to burst, waves his hands at them insistently. "Well! What happened?"

Rachel shifts in her seat and glances at Ross. "Well, Ross said that he thinks he might have been a little out of line with all the stuff from the story and…"

Ross sits up and interrupts her. "And she agreed that me eating the trifle so her feelings wouldn't get hurt was a good preemptive apology."

Joey chuckles. "Oh yeah. Wait. I thought we were eating that so we could leave as fast as we could and go meet up with the dancers."

Ross shoots Joey a stern glare. "No Joe! It was so her feelings wouldn't get hurt! Remember!"

Joey tilts his head and looks up, an expression of slight confusion flashes across his face. "Yeah? Are you sure it wasn't about the dancers?"

"It wasn't about the dancers Joe!"

Rachel shoots Ross a suspicious glare and he returns her gaze with a nervous chuckle and weak smile.

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler exits the printing press and impatiently rubs his hands together when he hears a familiar voice call out to him. "Oh. My. God. Chandler!"

He turns to see Ross and Janice walking in the street towards him. "Hey, uh, Ross? Janice?"

Ross nervously looks over at Janice and she looks down as her voice begins to crack. "I, uh, I was not prepared to see you so soon after me and mister right-place-at-the-right-time got together."

Chandler points at Ross and Janice and an amused smirk starts to form at the corner of his mouth. "You! And you! How? When?"

Ross shakes his head, but Janice wraps her arm around his waist and nods. "Yes. I have needs Chandler and Ross was there for me. I thought you would be gone for London by now."

Ross furrows his brow in confusion. "London?"

Chandler nods nervously. "Uh, yeah. I told you. We have a theater opening in London. We are going there soon for a permanent residency."

"What? You never told me…"

"Yes! I'm sure I did!"

Janice looks at Ross and smiles. "Look honey, I am going to go into the print shop for a few minutes but I'll be right back my little love muffin."

Ross chuckles as he tries to suppress a nauseated expression. "Okay….you do that…."

Janice smiles and kicks up her heels as she bounces into the print shop. Chandler looks at Ross and points as he starts to laugh uncontrollably. "What?" is all he can get out between gasps for air.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, I'm just happy for you. And her, the lucky dog!"

"Hey! I'll have you know Janice is a very nice woman. We both have a lot in common."

Chandler leans back and shakes his head suspiciously. "Oh really?"

"We both have been spurned by love! Me with Rachel and Janice with you."

Chandler slowly nods his head with a sarcastic glint in his eyes. "Right."

"Anyway, who's to say what a great match is? Janice is sweet and fun and pretty. I mean, if I stay here with her, we would be able to grow own family businesses. Me with the pigs and her with the….uh…sewing…I guess."

Chandler narrows his eyes. "You hate this, don't you?"

"Oh my god yes! Please you have to help me figure out how to get out of this."

Chandler laughs and nods. "Sure buddy. I actually have a plan. How do you feel about going to London?"

* * *

A/N: Thanks to a great suggestion from Babatomyfriends, I added little "1999" and "The 16th Century" titles to each shift between modern day Friends (well, 1999 Friends really) and the past life story Phoebe is telling everyone. I fixed all the past chapters to match this so there is no confusion for anyone when the narrative shifts.


	6. I Hope to See London Once Ere I Die

**I Hope to See London Once Ere I Die**

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler walks into the inn and looks around the dining room, in search of familiar faces. He nods to himself once he sees Joey, Ross and Phoebe sitting at a table close to the fire. He smiles as he briskly walks over and plops down into an empty chair at their table.

"You guys are gonna love this!" He pulls out a letter and throws it down in front of Ross. "road trip baby! We're all going to London!"

Ross picks up the parchment and flashes Chandler a befuddled look. "What?"

"I got in touch with a couple of guys who own some land in London and they agreed to build us a theater! We're going to have a residency!" Chandler looks at Phoebe and Joey while he bounces in his seat; hardly able to contain his excitement.

Ross reads the letter quickly and then hands it to Phoebe. "Who is Nicholas Brend?"

"Just some guy. He's going to lease us the property. I've got a bunch of investors lined up. It took a couple of months to get it all together." Chandler sits back and smiles smugly. "Now I just have to get my mother on board and we are home free my man!"

Ross lets an apprehensive smile twitch across his lips. "So, that's it? We're going to London?"

Joey looks at both Ross and Chandler and flashes them a confused expression. "What is going on?"

Phoebe grabs Joey's arm and smiles. "These two aren't brave enough to break up with a woman, so they're moving across the country instead."

Chandler shakes his head and screws his face into a defiant scowl. "Nuh-uh! That's not what this is about at all!"

Ross folds his arms and glares at Phoebe with indignation in his eyes. "As if! London has some of the most advanced scientific learning centers in all of England!"

"Uh-huh, sure." Phoebe looks over Chandler's shoulder and her eyes go wide in horror! "Oh no! It's Janice!" Both Ross and Chandler leap under the table and cover their faces as Phoebe starts to laugh. She then turns to Joey. "See?"

Joey returns her gaze with a smile and knowing nod. He then turns to look back at Chandler and Ross. "So, who's going to London?"

Chandler gets up and starts to wipe off his clothes. "Well, like I said, I still have to tell my mom. Then it'll be official, but so far, me, Ross and Pheebs."

Joey nods and smiles. "Well, I'm going too!"

Chandler tilts his head inquisitively. "Really?"

Joey nods as he darts his eyes around the room. "Yeah. I need to get out there. See the world. Travel and meet new people. Find my purpose in life."

Ross looks over at Joey with a skeptical expression on his face. "You need to leave town to because every woman here hates you for sleeping with them and never calling on them again."

"What? No."

Just then, a waitress walks past their table and smacks Joey hard on the back of his head with a tray. Joey rubs at his skull and relents as he shakes his head.

"Okay, fine. But it's not my fault! This is a really small town!"

* * *

**1999 **

"Wait? So that's it? You four leave us behind and go off to London?"

Phoebe looks over at Rachel and puffs out her chin smugly. "Oh, I guess it doesn't feel good being abandoned. Everyone running off to London and leaving you behind, like a bunch of…no good...leavers!"

Rachel throws her arms in the air in exasperation. "What? Phoebe! You were pregnant!"

"Yeah, well, you know what? When you get pregnant, I'm going to book us all on a trip to France, and you won't be able to come."

Rachel sits back and laughs as she shakes her head. "Pheebs, I will push that baby out sideways before I miss a chance to see Paris."

Monica smiles and then sits back as she cradles at her own stomach. "Awww"

Chandler shoots Monica a sideways glance and exhales. "What?"

"All this talk about pregnancy is making me think…uh…" Monica cuts herself off and quickly drops her hands as her eyes bulge. "It, uh, makes me realize that I'm getting hungry again."

"Really?"

Rachel points with her thumb in the direction of the kitchen. "I think all we have left is some of the trifle in the dish over there."

Joey shakes his head. "Nope. I got that."

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler trudges through the mud as he makes his way around the makeshift tent village that operates as a camp for the actors and crew that work for his mother. He nervously fiddles with the letter from London in his hands, still unsure of how to convince her to accept the residency and leave the countryside. He briskly bustles past the other members of the troupe who were standing around the grounds in small clusters as he practically skips his way towards his mother's tent.

"_I can't believe this is working out. Something I planned is actually working out. That's never happened to me before. So, this is what getting what I want feels like. It's oddly unsettling."_

Before he can turn past the last wagon, he feels a hand grab at his arm and jerk him to a sudden halt.

"Hey! I want to talk to you!"

Chandler groans as he instantly recognizes the voice of his accosting offender. He spins around to face him and inadvertently drops the letter in the mud.

"Look what you made me do!"

Mr. Heckles bends down and picks up the letter. "I didn't make you do that. I could have made you do it if I wanted to though."

Chandler reaches out in an attempt to snatch from Heckles grasp. "Hey, give that back. I need it."

"What is this?" Heckles begins to inspect the parchment as he tries to discern its contents.

Chandler snaps back as he tries to grab at the paper one more time. "It's a private letter!"

Heckles looks it over inquisitively. "For me?"

"Why would it be for you?"

"I could get a private letter if I wanted one."

Chandler shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "I'm sure you could. What do you even do around here? I swear, you just showed up one day and never left."

"I take care of stuff."

"Like what? Every time I see you, you're just wearing your bedclothes. You're never in costume, you never have carpenter tools, you don't cook, paint, sew, or do laundry. What do you do?"

"How do you know this isn't a costume I'm wearing right now? Maybe I have a leotard on under my robe."

Chandler puts his hand on his stomach and makes a face as if he were becoming ill. "I don't think anyone wants to see that."

"I'll go put on a leotard right now!"

"Please don't."

Heckles grumbles under his breath and then returns his attention to the letter in his hands as he skims the contents. "What is this? Are we going to London?" He practically spits venom as he says the cities name. "I don't like London."

Chandler shakes his head. "You don't like anything." He snatches the letter back and waves it under Heckles nose. "Look, will you just keep quiet about this until I talk to my mom. We need her to approve this before everyone else finds out."

Heckles purses his lips and nods as his eyes betray a more underhanded thought process. "Okay, sure. I can keep a secret. For a few bucks."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I mean, I don't do anything else around here so I never have any money and I want to buy things."

Chandler reluctantly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of copper coins. He drops a few of them into Heckles outstretched hands.

"Fine. Just keep quiet about this."

Chandler looks over his shoulder to see if anyone may have overheard them speaking and then jabs an admonishing finger in Heckles direction.

"I mean it. Not a soul!"

"Sure, sure. I won't tell anybody."

Chandler turns around to continue his journey to his mother's tent. Heckles starts to walk away as he counts his money. Chandler, confident he now has the situation under control, smiles as he makes a right and walks past the cooks tent that Monica used when she was preparing meals the other night.

Suddenly, the hairs on the back of his neck twitch as he hears Heckles' voice bellow throughout the camp.

"Hey, Isaac? Did you hear? We're all going to London! I know. No, her twerp son arranged it!"

Chandler stops in his tracks, shudders and shakes his head.

* * *

**1999**

Rachel gestures wildly with her arms and adopts an exasperated tone. "Wait a minute! I know where this is going!"

Ross shrugs and smiles apprehensively as he looks around at the rest of the group.

Rachel grumbles and folds her arms. "This is going to end up just like London."

"What's the matter with London?"

Rachel stands up and raises one eyebrow as her tone becomes more agitated. "Because London is where these two hooked up!" She jabs her thumb at Monica and Chandler. "This story was supposed to be about me and how I find love and now, all of a sudden, it's about them. There I am, trying to make my way through the world and everything changes once these two clowns hook up."

Monica's eyes bulge as she gasps, clearly feeling insulted by Rachel's dismissive attitude. "What!"

"Oh, come on Mon. When all this started, we were talking about me and all these men I could choose from and now we're all going to London?"

Phoebe looks around the room and shakes her head. "Actually, this is about all of us."

Rachel scoffs. "Oh for crying out loud Pheebs, you and Joey have been just bit parts in this story."

Joey gasps is shock. "Hey! I have a very important role as, uh…" He turns to face Phoebe and covers his mouth as he speaks softly. "Uh, Pheebs, what is my part?"

Rachel rolls her eyes at Joey and Ross stands up next to her as he points at Monica and Chandler. "You know what Rach? You're right. We all went to London for my wedding and now whenever we talk about our trip there it is only about you two!"

Monica and Chandler shoot up from the couch almost simultaneously as she jabs her finger in her brother's face. "Well, something good might as well have come out of that trip."

The four of them begin to talk over each other as their voices get louder and louder and Phoebe stands up and starts to scream unintelligibly until they all stop arguing and turn to face her.

"That's enough! I will not have my beautiful story tear us apart!"

Ross looks over at Phoebe and then back at the group. "She's right guys, I mean, it's just a stupid story."

Phoebe turns sharply towards him. "What?"

"I mean, it is a wonderful story and I am sure I speak for everyone else when I say we really want to see how it ends."

Reluctantly Rachel nods in agreement as both Monica and Chandler return to their seats and begin to overlap their voices in support.

Joey nods as he sternly looks at the others and then turns to face Phoebe. "Yeah, Pheebs. Of course, we want to hear the rest of the story. I mean, we haven't even gotten to the part where you tell me about all the women I sleep with in this."

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Monica, with Ross in tow, storms over towards Chandler and Joey, who were sitting outside the camp kitchen. She promptly slaps both of them on the crown of their heads.

"You two knew about this London thing and didn't tell me!"

Chandler offers up a sharp "Ow!" as Joey rubs his head.

"Ross just told me you guys are all going to London?"

Chandler turns to look at Joey. "I don't understand, he gives her the bad news but we're the ones she hits."

"Do you know what will happen when you all leave? First, I'll be out of a job as the cook for you guys, and second, with Ross gone, my dad will start talking to me about my glorious future in pig farming. Have you ever taken care of pigs? There's nothing glorious about it!" Monica huffs, folds her arms and starts to tap her foot. "You know what I find the hardest to understand? That you guys are doing this to get away from some woman! Can she be that bad?"

Ross chuckles from behind her. "Oh yeah. She's terrible."

Joey's eyes bulge as he points at Ross and he nods in agreement. "She's the worst."

Chandler points at Ross and Joey. "See. It isn't just me."

Just then, Gunther walks by and stops for a moment as he recognizes Chandler. "Hey, your mom wants to see you."

"My mom? How come?"

"Something about London being called off."

Monica pumps her fist and lets a slow, triumphant, hissing "Yes" escape her lips.

"What? Why? She thought it was a great idea the other day."

"Yeah, but I don't want to go, and since," Gunther pauses and makes air quotes with his fingers, "I'm the writer, if I don't go, then she doesn't go." He shrugs his shoulders and looks over at Monica. "Hey, do you have any of those meat pies left?"

Joey gestures with his hands at Gunther. "I'm gonna stop you right there. When people do this," Joey makes air quotes with his fingers. "I don't know what it means."

Ross rolls his eyes and shakes his head in confused anger. "Wait. I don't understand! Why don't you want to go?"

"Well, I like this town, plus, it has Rachel in it."

"What?"

"Uh, it has really nice meadows. Beautiful meadows."

Joey sternly looks over at Gunther. "Well, you better get on board with going to London, or I am going to have to," he pauses and makes air quotes. "Kick your ass!"

Ross shakes his head again. "That's not how you use them Joe."

Joey winces and makes air quotes again as he looks at Ross. "Sorry?"

"Still wrong Joe."

Chandler huffs and looks at Ross and Joe. "I knew I should have been Shakespeare!"

The three men seethe as they watch Gunther walk away.

Monica slaps Joey on the shoulder. "Joey, why are you mad, you aren't trying to get away from Janice."

"Ah whatever!"

Monica shakes her head and walks towards the back of the kitchen, leaving the three men to commiserate their misery.

Chandler claps his hands together. "Well, we just have to talk Rachel into going."

"What? How are we going to do that?"

"I don't know Ross, but if we want to go to London, we are going to need Gunther to get on board, and in order to do that, we need Rachel."

Joey snaps his fingers as his face lights up. "I got it! We just tell her how many eligible bachelors there are in London."

"Joey! Why would I tell the woman I like that she can date other men?"

"You're right. That doesn't make any sense. We shouldn't have you say that."

"Thanks Joe."

"We should get Pheebs to do it. It wouldn't make sense coming from a guy."

"That's not the point Joe!"

"Oh."

Chandler rubs his chin and puts his hand on Ross's shoulder. "Wait. This could be a good thing. If we get her to go, you can get close to her on the trip."

Ross nods as a slow, roguish smile spreads across his lips. "Yeah, that's right, I can just flirt with her the whole way there and once I turn on the charm-o-Ross, I'll be irresistible to her."

Chandler looks at Joe and shrugs his shoulders as they share a skeptical glance with each other. Joe looks at Ross and makes air quotes again.

"That'll work."

Ross's lips curl into a frown, but then he smiles proudly. "Hey, Joe, you did it."

Joey makes air quotes again. "Thanks."

* * *

**1999**

Wait, so I go to London thinking all these hot guys are going to be there, only to have this clown hit on me the whole way?"

"You didn't seem to mind me that much when we were going out." Ross nods as an expression of slight annoyance stretches across his face. He then looks at Joey. "Hey, do you know how many times we had sex?"

"Ross!"

Joey nods and looks over at Chandler. "Ross, you've probably told us more times about it than you two actually did it."

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Ross steps over to Rachel and looks down at his feet. "So, uh, I heard Phoebe told you about London."

"What? Oh yes. Did you know that for every woman there are five rich men?"

"Phoebe said that?" Ross wrinkles his brow as he looks back up at her. "Uh, yeah. Sure. Everybody knows that."

"I mean, at that rate, I'll find a suitor in no time." Rachel smiles as she gives him a quick hug as she tries to alleviate the intense energy flowing through her body.

Ross steps back and blushes from the brief moment of physical contact with Rachel. "Right." Ross looks down again. "But, uh, are you really set on the whole suitor thing? Don't you think you want to find someone, you know, that you might actually like?"

"You mean, like a doctor?"

Monica flies out from behind Rachel, storms past Ross and walks across the street, reaching out and grabbing Chandler by the arm. "You just had to do it, didn't you?"

Chandler looks down at the hunk of bread in his hand.

"Is this about the bread?"

"London! You couldn't let it go!"

"Look, I'm not just doing this for me, okay. This is a great opportunity for my mother. No more traveling, she'll be able to focus more on writing. Not to mention the actors, and all the exposure everyone will get."

Monica steps back and let a slight frown cross her face. "Oh. I guess I didn't think of that."

"Nah, I'm just screwing with you. I'm doing this so I can get away from Janice."

Monica slaps him on the arm. "You know what! You're even worse than I thought you were. Can't you be serious for five minutes."

"Oh, come on. I bet you find my impish charm irresistible. You want to eat me up like a cream pumpet!"

"What?"

"I don't know what all the foods in London are."

* * *

**1999**

Chandler chuckles under his breath. "Man, you really liked to yell at me back then."

"Well, maybe it was because you always meddle in things and make a bigger mess than it was from the start, or maybe it is because you're sarcastic all the time." Monica looks across and points at Chandler's feet, which are resting on top of the coffee table. "Or maybe it is because you put your shoes on the furniture!"

"Is this why you yelled at me back then or why you're yelling at me now?"

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Nora walks over to Phoebe and Joey as she watches her son and Monica bicker in the street.

"Who is that girl with Chandler?"

"That's the cook we hired."

"Really? Oh, wow. The food has been amazing since we got here."

Joey nods. "I know, right?"

Nora looks Joey up and down and narrows her eyes.

"Do you work for me?"

"Uh, no. I'm a friend of Chandler's."

Nora checks out Joey one more time from top to bottom and then turns to Phoebe. "Have my husband bring him with us and see if we can train this pretty one as an actor."

Joey's eyes open wide. "Me? An actor? Wow."

"You're okay with wearing a dress, right?"

Joey furrows his brow. "A what?"

Nora dismisses him with her hand and then returns her attention to Monica and Chandler. "Why are they bickering like that?"

"Well, Monica is mad at Chandler because he's the one who got us to all go to London and she is going to be left behind. I think she really likes to cook. Oh, also, Chandler is kind of an immature jerk."

Nora nods. "Yes. He gets that from his father."

Joey shakes his head. "Yeah, they really hate each other."

Nora chuckles as she squeezes Joey's arm. She nods in approval at his bicep and then shakes her head. "Oh, my boy. I don't think that is hate."

* * *

**1999**

"Joey. Please don't sleep with my mother."

Joey looks around the room and then back at Chandler. "Is your mom here?"

"No. I mean, in the story. I don't need you hooking up with my mother."

"What? I would never do that. It's one of the rules."

Phoebe looks over at Joey and tilts her head. "Rules?"

"Yeah, you don't' sleep with women that your friend is related to."

Phoebe nods as her eyes flicker with newfound wisdom.

Joey points at Chandler and smiles proudly. "Don't worry buddy. I will not sleep with your mother. Phoebe would never let that happen."

Ross looks over at Chandler and then squints his eyes. "Wait, but you're sleeping with Monica. Doesn't that break the rules?"

Chandler starts to get flustered and then shakes his head. "No. Because Monica and I are in love."

Joey nods. "Yeah, there are exception for something like this."

Rachel gestures towards Joey. "Wait, didn't he hook up with your sister?"

Joey slowly nods as his smile begins to fade. "Yeah…."

Phoebe rolls her eyes. "And then there was the whole Kathy thing."

Chandler gestures apologetically with his hands at Joey as Joey's flat smile becomes and angry grimace. He turns to look at Phoebe and raises up a stern finger.

"You make me sleep with that guy's mom!"

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Having secured the last piece of his luggage, Chandler pulls his cloak around his shoulders to protect himself from the cold, English rain and hops into the back of a covered wagon. He looks over his fellow travelers, Ross, Joey, Phoebe and Rachel, who had already settled in for a long night on the road. He makes his way over to sit down in the corner.

Joey clasps his hands together and smiles widely. "London baby!"

A bag flies into the back of the wagon, narrowly missing Chandler's feet as it crashes to the ground.

"Make room cream pumpet."

Chandler slinks back into his seat as he watches Monica climb into the wagon behind him.

"What are you doing here?

"Your mom paid for my services. She wants me to travel with you guys and be the cook for the entire run in London."

"What?"

Joey leans over and shouts into Chandler's ears. "She said your mom hired her to come to London and cook. You got to do something about your ears buddy."

Chandler's eyes bulge as he sticks a finger in his ear. He pokes around a bit, as if he is trying to clear the passage way and recover his hearing after Joey's deafening clarification.

Ross smiles as he slides over, bringing his body closer to Rachel's.

Joey looks over at Monica's bag and purses his lips.

"Hey, uh, you didn't bring anything to eat now did you?"


	7. Speak Low If You Speak Love

**Speak Low If You Speak Love**

**The 16****th**** Century**

"Oh! I know. We should play strip one & thirty!"

Joey rubs his hands together as his eyes widen excitedly. He slowly nods and a lascivious smile spreads across his lip. He looks around the back of the wagon at his fellow travelers, allowing his gaze to linger a little too long on each of the women sitting across from him. Almost simultaneously, everyone groans and looks back at Joey with incredulous eyes.

Monica lets out an almost scornful sigh and shakes her head. "What?"

Rachel folds her arms and huffs. "We're not playing strip anything!"

Joey slumps down into a defeated heap as he pouts. "No one ever wants to have any fun around here."

Ross raises an eyebrow at him. "We have seven hours to kill until our first stop Joe. I'm sure we can find something to do that doesn't involve anyone getting naked."

"Well, what are we going to do?"

Phoebe claps her hands together. "Oh! I know. I'll point at someone at random, and we have to do whatever they say."

Ross shakes his head and sits back. "Fine. Everyone okay with that?"

A chorus of uninspired agreement follows, and Phoebe closes her eyes. "Okay, nobody talk. This way I don't know who I am pointing at." She begins to wave her hand around the group, and just as she is about to stop on Monica, the covered wagon they are riding in hits a bump, and her hand jerks over at the last minute. She opens her eyes as she finds that she is pointing directly at Chandler.

Chandler looks around at everyone nervously, but then allows a roguish smile to spread across his lips. "Uh...I say we play…strip one & thirty."

**1999 **

Joey nods at Phoebe and flashes her a thumbs up. "Nice." He then looks at everyone else. "We should totally play strip poker after this."

Monica and Rachel roll their eyes and glare at him with admonishment. "Joe!"

"What? Come on. It's a tradition. You can't break tradition. That's bad luck!"

Ross shakes his head and chuckles defensively. "What do you mean it's a tradition? We've never played strip poker."

"Well, we should have a tradition. From now on, every Thanksgiving, we play strip poker. That'll be our tradition."

Rachel sits up and slowly shakes her head. "Joe. We are not playing strip poker. Be happy you get to play it in the story."

"What good is that? Strip poker should be played where people can see it with their eyes, not hear it with their ears."

Monica folds her arms and shakes her head. "Joe!"

"Fine. No one ever wants to have any fun around here."

**The 16****th**** Century**

Joey nods in anticipation as he pulls his shirt down to cover himself, already having lost his pants. Monica playfully sneers at his as she shakes her head and she loosens her hair. She drops her coif into her lap and rolls her eyes. Chandler watches Monica as she runs her fingers through her dark hair and lets it fall around her shoulders. He gulps down hard and tugs a bit at his own collar.

"Dude."

Chandler turns to see Ross glare at him.

"What?"

"Stop ogling my sister."

"What? I'm not...that's completely…I mean…what?"

"I saw you. You were totally checking her out. Not cool man."

"No I wasn't. I was just interested in…how she braided her hair like that. I thought it might look good on some of the actors."

"What?"

"You know. For, uh, the plays."

"Oh. Okay. I guess that's all right. I have to tell you though, and I am speaking as her brother and not as your friend; if I see you checking out her legs and you tell me it's because you think her skirt is something that the wardrobe department would like, then me and you are going to have to resolve this with a duel."

"Really? You mean, like with swords and everything?"

"Yes!" Ross turns to look at Monica as his features soften. "Although, the fabric of her skirt is really nice. The secret is my mother washes the clothes she makes for us in the brook outside of town before we wear them. It's like they're made out of spring flowers."

Ross lets his eyes linger on Monica's legs as he admires her dress and Chandler twists his face as he becomes visibly uncomfortable. "Dude. Stop staring at your sister's legs."

Monica turns her eyes up to Chandler and her brother as she finishes brushing out her hair with her fingers. "What are you two talking about?"

"Oh, your brother was just telling me all about his skills with a sword."

Monica begins to laugh uncontrollably. "What? Him?"

Chandler looks back and forth between the two of them and starts to let a smile form on his lips. "What?"

"The last time he tried to lift my father's sword he almost threw his back out."

"Monica!"

"What? You did. You had to lie in bed for a week."

"I had gout!"

"Whatever Ross. You just let me know if you need me to help you pick your sword up off the floor again like last time."

Joey starts to giggle and elbows Chandler in the ribs.

"What?"

"She said she'd help him with his sword."

"Joe. That's gross. They're brother and sister."

"Oh, so I gotta shut it down now."

Phoebe interrupts them as she shouts gleefully. "Ooo! I won!"

Joey groans and rolls his eyes.

"Okay Joseph. Lose the shirt!"

Joey clutches his shirt tight around his neck. "But It's cold."

**1999**

"Phoebe? I don't have gout."

Phoebe flashes Ross a sympathetic look. "Not now, but I'll have some bad news for you in thirteen years."

Ross shakes his head and laughs but then stops as his face goes white. "Seriously?"

Monica nods and points at Ross. "You know, pop-pop didn't get gout until he turned fifty. And dad just got it this year."

"Oh man! Why does everything bad have to happen to me."

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler finds a stump to sit on and removes his boot. He turns it upside down and shakes it as some debris falls out.

"How did I get rocks in my boot? I've been in the wagon all day."

"Maybe they fell out of your head." Monica laughs at her joke and starts to remove her pack, unrolling it as she searches through its contents.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making sure everything is still in place."

Chandler replaces his boot and walks over to her. "In your bag? It hasn't moved since you put it on the wagon."

"Stuff could have shifted."

"I think some stuff might have shifted in your head."

Monica turns and glares at him with fiery eyes. "What?"

"I said, I probably should put my tent up and go to bed." Chandler spins around and briskly walks away from her as she squints her eyes at him.

Joey elbows Ross in the ribs. "Wow. I don't think you have anything to worry about Ross. Those two do not like each other."

"That's too bad. I want my best friend and my sister to get along."

Joey looks off the side with confusion riddled across his face. "What?"

"You know, it would just make things easier."

"Wait a minute. Who is your best friend in this scenario?" Joey jabs a finger at Ross. "Do not say Chandler! Do. Not. Say. Chandler."

**1999**

Monica stretches her legs out across Chandler's lap as she eases back into the corner of the couch. "Wow. You were mean back then."

"Me? What about you with your perfect packing."

"What? How do I know what I had in my bag back then? Maybe something in there was fragile."

Chandler scoffs. "I'm not talking about in the story." Chandler turns to the group. "Do you guys know, she gave me an evaluation report when I moved in here. All about how I packed and unpacked."

Phoebe sat up and slid her legs behind her. "Ooo. What did you get? I got a B when I moved in here."

Rachel huffs and then turns to look at Monica. "She got a B? You gave me an F!"

Monica shrugs her shoulders. "Rach, to be fair, you brought a lot of stuff here from your parent's house in drips and drabs. What kind of way is that to pack and move?"

Ross chuckles and looks up at Chandler. "What grade did you get?"

"Incomplete!"

Chandler glares at Monica and she leans over to press her hand on his chest. "Honey, it wasn't an official evaluation. It was just to show you where you could improve, you know, for next time when we buy a house together one day."

"What?"

Monica shoots up and jumps off the couch. "Uh, I think that's the pot whistling. Who wants tea!"

**The 16****th**** Century**

Nora rolls over and lets out a throaty, satisfied laugh. "Wow Joseph. That was fantastic."

Joey puts his hands behind his head and smiles smugly. "No one can turn down the Joey-love."

"Don't get carried away." Nora sits up and grabs a stack of paper from next to her bed. "How are things going with your little group on this trip?"

"Okay, I guess. Ross has been trying to get Rachel to notice him this whole week. Phoebe keeps writing in her book. Monica and Chandler bicker all the time."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, the other day when we stopped, Monica made Chandler fold all of the bed sheets twice before we unloaded them."

Nora smirks and looks over to the entrance of her tent. "Phoebe!"

Joey starts to grab at the bed sheets and tries to cover himself. "Hey! She's going to see my niblets."

"Your what?"

"My tenders."

Nora sighs. "Joseph. I'm sure she's seen…tenders before."

Phoebe steps into Nora's tent and gives Joey a slightly surprised smile. Joey tries to cover himself up again and eyes her bashfully.

"Phoebe. I think we need to get this Monica girl and my Chandler together."

"Really? Chandler and Monica? I don't see it."

Nora rolls her eyes but then gestures towards Joey. "Joe tells me they stick together like an old married couple."

"An old married couple looking to kill each other. Chandler walked over to her tent and put his feet up without removing his boots. I actually think Monica blacked out for a few minutes after that."

Nora smiles and nods. "It's almost too perfect. This is what we need to do. Phoebe, you need make Monica think that Chandler is in love with her. Get that Rachel girl to help you."

"I don't know if I feel comfortable lying to Chandler."

"You lie to him all the time."

"Yeah, you're right.I'm too good of a liar I'll do it."

Nora turns to Joey. "Joseph. You get Ross and let Monica hear you talk about how Chandler is in love with her."

Phoebe frowns and shakes her head. "I don't know if that's a good idea. Ross has been very protective of Monica. I don't think he'd like that."

"Really? His best friend and his sister?"

Joey's nods and then his eyes open wide as if he just unlocked some hidden secret. "Oh. You want to hook Monica and Chandler up."

Nora pats him on his cheek sympathetically. "Oh, you poor sweet boy."

**1999**

"I'm not that overprotective, am I?"

Rachel scoffs at Ross's question. Monica narrows her eyes in skepticism. "Of course you are. I don't know why though, you can hardly protect yourself. Let alone look out for me."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Ross. Come on. Remember Bobby Jenkins in middle school?"

Ross begins to shift nervously as he becomes uncomfortable. "Oh. Uh, we don't need to talk about that."

Chandler looks over at Monica with confusion riddled on his face. "Who's Bobby Jenkins?"

"Bobby Jenkins was this boy in school who was my lab partner. He was going to come over after class so we could work on our quarterly project and Ross decided to talk to him and lay down some ground rules."

Ross sits up as his voice defensively raises an octave. "I was trying to be a good brother and let him know I wouldn't tolerate any funny business."

Monica chuckles and shakes her head. "Anyway, I guess he spooked Bobby because after school that day he ran to his big sister and told her about it, and then she had a talk with Ross."

Rachel puts her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh. "And by talk, Monica means she beat him up."

Chandler and Joey start to laugh uncontrollably. "Are you serious? Ross, you got beat up by a girl?"

"Hey! She was a very big eighth grader!"

**The 16****th**** Century**

Monica makes her way through the woods and stops when she hears some voices. She slowly approaches as she tries to ascertain the source of the noise.

"Hey, does this look like that stuff Monica put in the stew last week?"

Joey leans over and studies the plant Chandler had stopped to look at. "I don't know dude. Why don't you just take it back and ask her."

"Maybe I'll just pack it up. She's a giant pain to travel with, but she makes a nice stew."

Chandler starts to pull the leaves off of the plant and stuffs them into a pocket.

"You know buddy. Normally, a guy gives flowers to a girl he likes, not weird looking leaves."

Chandler looks up. "What? I don't like her. I like her food."

"I don't know. You two spend an awful lot of time together."

Chandler shakes his head, but before he can say something, he yelps in pain.

"Ow! What the hell is that?"

He looks at his hand and notices that it is slowly turning red as bumps begin to form along his fingers. He sees hives popping up all over his hand and wrist as he drops the leaves and begins to scratch.

"What is it?"

"I don't know. My hand burns all of a sudden and it's itchy. It really hurts."

Joey looks over at the plant. "Maybe it was this. Did her stew make your tongue itchy? Stick out your tongue. Let me see."

"Joey! My tongue is fine! Ow! This really hurts!"

Monica steps out of the brush and makes her way to the path. "Let me see." She lifts his hand and turns it. "Yeah. That's Stinging Nettle."

"What?"

"Your whole arm is going to probably breakout and itch like this. How have you not seen this stuff before?"

"I don't know. Your brother was the one looking at plant life when we would stop."

"What did you do?"

"I uh, invented this game where you try to hit big rocks with smaller rocks."

Joey smiles and nods. "We should totally pay that when we get back."

"What do I do about this itch. It really hurts."

Joey's eyes light up and he snaps his fingers. "Manure!"

"What?"

"The doc in town would spread manure on rashes."

Monica nods. "You know, you're right. There's something in it that makes the itch go away."

Chandler eyes open wide in horror. 'Yeah, you forget about the rash because you have excrement on your arm. No thanks."

Chandler looks at his arm and sees more hives forming higher and higher along hi forearm as his skin becomes itchy and irritated.

Monica shakes her head. "If you want to feel better, you're going to need to put some manure on there."

"No way. It doesn't even hurt that…BAD!" Chandler begins to furiously scratch at his arm. "Fine. Get the manure."

Joey looks around and shakes his head. "I don't see any dude."

Monica rolls her eyes. "I saw some from the horses just over there. I'll be right back."

Joey watches Monica walk away and then elbows Chandler in his side. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Well, I'm thinking that I'm about to have crap on my arms. So I doubt it."

"I think she likes you."

"What?"

"She's going to get manure for you. That's got to mean something."

"Yes Joe. You know, my mother was actually going to make Romeo and Juliet about something just like this."

"Really?"

"No!"

Monica returns and unfolds a cloth that has a handful of horse droppings.

"Okay, take one, and uh, start rubbing it on your arms."

Chandler winces and carefully picks up a piece of manure. He gingerly begins to rub it on his hives. He finishes both arms and stands still for a moment.

"I don't know. It still itches like crazy,"

Monica drops the rest of the manure to the ground and hands the cloth to Joey.

"Yeah. I don't know what Joey was talking about. I just wanted to see if you would do it."

"What?"

Monica starts to laugh, and Joey smiles and laughs with her. Chandler flares his nostrils and puts his hand to his face and then recoils when he realizes how dirty his hands are.

"I am never going to forget this. You will always be the woman who made me put poop n my arms!"

**1999**

"Ewww!" Monica and Rachel recoil into themselves.

Chandler begins to sniff at his hands. "I don't smell now do I?"

Rachel squirms and shudders. "Phoebe. That's gross!"

"Don't blame me. I didn't do it."

Rachel and Phoebe glare at Chandler. "What? I didn't do it." Monica shifts away from him slightly as she huddles into the corner of the couch. Chandler sighs and rolls his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"It's kind of gross."

"But I didn't do anything!"

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler starts to unfurl his bedroll and looks up. He wonders if the rain will hold off a little longer, and hopes that he can stay dry before they reach London next week. He looks over to the back of the wagon as he hears whispering and starts to gingerly approach. He slides up against the side and leans over in his attempt to eavesdrop.

Joey looks over his shoulder, and upon seeing a shadow creeping closer, he reaches out and grabs Gunther by the arm.

"Gunther. Did you know that Monica has the hots for Chandler?"

"Who?"

"Monica and Chandler."

Gunther looks around and then back at Joey. "I thought you were Chandler."

"What? No. Nora's son."

"Oh. Uh, I have to say, I don't really care."

Joey reaches out to grab at Gunther one more time, but he swiftly moves away and walks back over to his own wagon. Joey looks down, dejectedly and then turns and finds himself face-to-face with Chandler.

"Oh, uh, hey buddy."

"Hey…Joe, what's going on?"

Joey looks down and scratches at the back of his neck. "Uh, nothing. Just thinking about, uh, London. Almost there. Amazing it hasn't rained yet on our trip, huh?"

Chandler narrows his eyes. "Yeah. Sure. Were you just talking with Gunther?"

"Gunther? No, no. Not at all. You know, sometimes, I don't even like Gunther."

Chandler nods and walks over to the side of the wagon to get his tent. He looks up and sees Ross and Rachel walking towards Monica and gives Ross a nod.

Ross returns Chandler's greeting and then looks over at Rachel. "So, uh, have you liked the trip so far?"

"Oh, sure. I guess it was okay."

"Just okay?"

"Well, there was this one guy I thought was into me, but he keeps hanging out with Chandler's dad. I think they share the same tent because he comes out of there every morning."

Ross chuckles and tugs uncomfortably on his sleeve. "Oh, ha, ha. Yeah, they must be best buds. But uh, other than that, good?"

Rachel shrugs her shoulders and nods.

Ross takes a deep breath and tries to stifle his nervousness. "You know Rach. I know another guy on this trip that likes you."

"Really?" Rachel's eye light up as she turns to face Ross.

"Yeah. He's crazy about you. Has been for years."

Rachel looks around excitedly. "Wow. Is he handsome? Is he tall?"

"Some do say he has a certain je ne sais quoi." Ross allows a smug smile to spread across his lips.

"What does that mean?"

Ross saunters closer to her and wiggles his eyebrows, "I don't know what."

Rachel shakes her head and lets loose with an exasperated breath. "Then why'd you say it."

Ross nervously giggles as he shakes his head. "No, no. It means…"

Rachel puts her finger up to Ross and interrupts his train of thought. "Shh." She looks at Monica's tent and sees Phoebe waving her over. She smiles and shares a knowing nod.

"Ross, I'll be right back. I have to do something with Phoebe, and then you can tell me all about this mystery man."

Ross slumps a bit as he looks off to the side. "Oh, okay."

Rachel scurries over and ducks down behind Monica's tent and he watches her and Phoebe whisper to each other. Just then, Gunther walks over and glares at Ross.

"So, you were just out walking with Rachel?"

"Yeah." Ross smiles proudly. "Don't tell anyone, but I think I might ask her out."

"You?"

"Yeah."

Gunther looks him up and down and gives a disapproving shake of his head. "I don't see it."

"What?"

Gunther looks over at Rachel. "Man, it seems like a lot of that is going on around here. Charles and Tag. Joey and Nora. Chandler and Monica."

Ross snaps out of his daydreaming and grabs Gunther by the shoulder. "Wait, what?"

"They're doing it. Everyone is talking about it."

Ross's face turns red as he begins to flare his nostrils angrily. "Chandler and Monica are doing it!'

"That's what I heard."

Ross releases Gunther from his grasp and spins around. "That backstabbing little crap-weasel!"

Ross runs off and reaches the wagon with his gear. He glances at Chandler as he begins to furiously unwrap an old sword. Once he has it in his hands, the heavy steel drops to the floor and he drags it behind him as he jogs over towards Chandler and Joey.

"Chandler! Get over here! I know what you've been doing with my sister!"

Chandler jumps back and raises his arms defensively. "What?"

"I heard what you've been doing with my sister. I told you I would have to defend her honor."

"What are you talking about?"

A small crowd starts to gather as Ross's voice gets louder and louder.

Ross points at Chandler and shouts angrily at him. "Me and you buddy, lets go, right now!" Ross stops for a moment and brings his hand to his chest. "Oh, wow. I kind of scared myself there a little."

Joey raises his eyebrows and looks at Chandler. "Well, at least he scared someone."

"Ross! What are you doing!"

Ross spins around and looks to see Monica jabbing her finger in his face. "Put that thing down. You going to hurt yourself."

"What? No I'm not. I'm going to hurt the guy taking advantage of you!"

Monica stares at him with perplexed eyes. "What are you talking about. Give me that sword before you have an accident."

Monica grabs at the handle of the sword and the two siblings pick it up in the air as they struggle to rip it from each other's hands. They spin around in a circle as they wrestle with the long blade, shouting each other's name, until Ross finally lets it go in defeat.

"Fine. Here. You take it."

Monica gets knocked off balance by the full weight of the sword, and she stumbles backwards. Her hands fly up and the sword flings up in the air. It flips around head to hilt three times, almost in slow motion, until it starts it descent back down to the earth where it lands with a sickly sounding, wet thud as it embeds itself into Chandler's boot, slicing itself through his toes.

"Ow."

Chandler's face turns white. He tips over, falls to the ground, and passes out.


	8. Those Wounds Heal Ill

**Those Wounds Heal Ill That Men Do Give Themselves**

**1999**

Chandler leaps off the couch and begins to gesticulate wildly as he focuses his ire on Phoebe.

"My toe? You had to cut off my toe! You couldn't tell a story where I don't lose my toe!"

Phoebe sits up and shakes her head, looking at Chandler as if he were a child unable to grasp a universally accepted concept. "I didn't cut it off, that was Monica and Ross."

"Phoebe!" He looks back at Monica and stammers as he lets loose with an exasperated sigh. "I can't believe another terrible Thanksgiving where I lose a toe."

"Oh, you didn't lose _a_ toe."

Chandler spins around and smiles. "Oh, thank god. So, I guess it was just a scratch or something?"

Phoebe looks up at the ceiling to avert his eyes and tilts her head. "Kind of. If losing all the toes on your right foot can be considered a scratch or something."

"What?!"

Phoebe sighs and sits back on her legs. "Chandler, this is just what happens. You know, I guess in every lifetime you lose some toes. What's the big deal? You don't use them anyway."

"Yes I do!"

"Ooo, for like, sex stuff?" Phoebe looks over at Monica and waggles her eyebrows.

Monica screws her face up in disgust. "Phoebe! Ewww!"

"Really? You don't like foot stuff? But you guys seem so kinky."

Ross shudders and slowly turns to look at Phoebe. "As much as I like that we are all spending time together, I would appreciate it if it didn't involve me picturing my sister with a foot fetish."

Phoebe shrugs off Ross's protest and returns her attention to Chandler. "Really, you shouldn't be mad about having your toes cut off, it's your destiny. If you actually think about it, you should probably apologize to Monica for getting mad about it last year. It wasn't her fault, it was fate."

Chandler turns to Monica and scoffs as a skeptical smirk spreads across his lips. "Can you believe this?"

Monica shrugs her shoulders and tilts her head. "I don't know, maybe you do owe me an apology. Like she said, it was fate."

"I am not apologizing to you for you cutting off my toe!"

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler opens his eyes and a hazy fog blurs his vision. As he begins to wake up, and everything begins to come into focus, he realizes that he does not recognize the tent he now occupies. He rubs at his temples and tries to stitch together his memory of what happened to him that led to waking up in this strange bed. He remembers yelling, a small crowd of people from the troupe, and two people were fighting, but after that, all he can recall is pain. Pain he still feels as he looks down at his throbbing foot, smothered haphazardly in bandages.

He blinks his eyes and tries to shake the cobwebs from his brain. This tent is larger than the one he usually sleeps in. It is almost as big as his mother's. The cot he is lying in is raised up off the floor, which is something new for Chandler. There are crates set up as makeshift furniture, with vials and jars scattered about upon them. Each container has some unrecognizable contents floating in liquid.

He notices a desk in the corner covered with drawings of people and there is a wood carving of a fish on top. He squints his eyes, trying to see exactly what else might be decorating the tent to give him a clue as to where he is, but he is pulled from his reconnaissance when he feels someone tugging at his injured foot.

"Ow! What are you doing?" He looks down and locks eyes with a thin, lanky man he does not recognize. His clothes are disheveled and poor fitting. He has thick black hair and a thin beard and mustache. The man darts his eyes nervously around the room as he shifts uncomfortably at the foot of the bed.

"Hey buddy. I'm glad you're up. You've been sleeping for a while."

"What happened?"

"Well, you got your toes cut off. Luckily, we were able to seal the wound. Now I'm trying to see if I can find you some kind of substitute for the toes you lost. You know, to help you get around, so people don't start calling you Sir Limps-a-Lot."

"What? I have no toes?" Chandler looks down and sees the man moving shriveled up objects over his foot, pressing them against his stump as he measures them.

"Hold still will you pal? I'm trying to help you."

Chandler tries to sit up so he can get a better look at what the man is doing to his foot. "What are you doing? What are those?"

"Dehydrated apricots. I tried apple, but it fell right off."

"What kind of doctor are you?"

"Oh, I'm not a doctor. I'm Eddie. I started living here after they brought you in. I don't know whose tent this is. I just needed a place to crash so I followed the crowd when they were carrying you around. I figured, you know, you were dead, and I could get your tent. I have been sleeping on the floor over there." Eddie points to a rolled up blanket next to Chandler's bed.

"What? This isn't the medical tent?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen no doctor. When I walked in here everyone asked me to fix your foot. So I lopped of the mangled toes and burned the wound closed. You know, I'm starting to think that we don't have a doctor with us because nobody should have let me anywhere near your foot. I mean, I had no idea what I was doing."

Chandler angrily points down at his bandaged foot. "You did this to me?"

"Hey, why are you getting so bent out of shape. You weren't this mad about it when I was sealing up your wound."

"I was unconscious!"

"Yeah, but you didn't say anything. I've been watching you sleep every night, and not a peep."

"You've been watching me sleep?"

"Well, this is our tent, roomie. I mean, where else am I supposed to go at night? My brothers? Not after the last time he kicked me out."

Chandler looks down and sees Eddie lining up more dehydrated fruit to his stump. "Stop doing that!"

"Do you want new toes or what? I'm thinking orchid fruits would be best. How do you feel about apricots?"

Chandler sits up and begins to wave his arms frantically. "Get out! Get out! Take your stupid small fruit and get the hell out of here!"

Eddie stands up and throws the dehydrated fruit on the floor in anger. He then locks eyes with Chandler as a crestfallen look settles upon his face "Wow. I have to tell you; this is all coming out of the blue. You were much nicer before you woke up. I mean, you were the perfect roommate. We were pals."

"Again, I was unconscious!"

Eddie shrugs his shoulders and nods. "I don't understand what you're trying to tell me. Do you want me to move my blanket?"

"Get out!"

"But all my stuff is here."

Chandler points angrily at the entrance of the tent. He shakes his fist and yells out an unintelligible "Gah!" at the top of his lungs.

Eddie shakes his head and makes his way to the entrance of the tent. "Fine. I'm going." He looks over at the wood carving on the table. "Don't touch my fish while I'm gone!"

As Eddie leaves, Joey and Ross step inside the tent. They look around for a moment but then face Chandler. Both wearing nervous smiles.

"Hey buddy. How you doing?"

Chandler looks at Joey and shakes his head. "Better now that that lunatic is gone. Did he really operate on my foot?"

Ross steps over to the cot. "Uh, yeah; by the time we all realized he wasn't a doctor, he had already cauterized your foot."

"So, I have no toes?"

"Well, just on the one foot. That isn't too bad."

"Are you kidding me? I'm going to be hobbling all over the place now."

Joey snickers at the image but then composes himself as Chandler eyes him angrily. He starts to pat Ross on the back and pushes him towards Chandler. "Hey, buddy, Ross is here to say something."

Chandler folds his arms and sits back, clearly agitated. "What?"

Ross looks down, his cheeks flush as he feels a swell of embarrassment rise in his chest. "I just wanted to say I was sorry."

"For what?"

"It's kind of my fault that you lost your toes."

"What!"

"I was fighting with Monica over a sword and you got caught in the middle of it."

Chandler looks off to the side as his eyes narrow and he recalls the events from the day the sword landed in his foot. "Oh yeah, now I remember. Dammit! Why the hell were you coming at me with a sword?"

"Everyone said that you were doing my sister?"

Chandler begins to stammer as he tries to make sense of what Ross just said to him. "What? I'm not sleeping with your sister. She hates me."

Joey slaps Ross on the arm. "Yeah, I mean, your sister is way too hot for Chandler."

Chandler shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "Thanks Joe."

"Yeah, and now that he has no toes? I mean, the chance of a woman, let alone your hot sister, ever wanting to have sex with Sir Limps-a-Lot over here is so low, you are never going to have to worry about it."

Chandler sits up again and huffs loudly. "Thanks Joe. I think he gets the picture!"

"I mean, have you seen that mangled foot under there?" Joey shudders. "Disgusting. A woman repeller if I ever saw one."

"Joe!"

"Although, I do know this lady with one leg…"

"JOE!"

Joey turns to look at Chandler and shrugs his shoulders sheepishly. "What? I thought I was helping you two be friends again." Joey rubs the back of his neck nervously and then faces Ross. "Anyway, she's got that Pete guy going after her now."

Chandler goes quiet as he darts his eyes between Ross and Joey. "What? Who's Pete?"

Ross shakes his head. "Some showoff with a lot of money. His family invented bottled beer. They're making a killing on it."

"Beer in bottles? That doesn't even make sense."

Joey nods. "Yeah, well, you've been out for about three weeks now. A lot has happened. Your mother couldn't wait here outside the city any longer. The rest of the troupe went on to London while some of us stayed here with you. Pete financed this whole thing. He brought these cool tents and these cots. It's been great."

Chandler looks down at his bandaged foot. "Yeah, best days of my life." He then looks up at Joey. "How do you know all this?"

Ross lifts the wooden fish from the desk and inspects it. "Oh, he's sleeping with your mom."

Joey's eyes go wide as he flares his nostrils. "Ross!"

"What? If I'm going down for the toes, then you're going down for banging his mom."

Chandler shakes his head. "I can't believe this. You're sleeping with my mom. Ross and Monica cut my toes off. Hey, maybe we should call Phoebe and Rachel in here and they can jab my eyes out."

"Chandler. Look, it isn't that big of a deal. So I'm banging your mom, I mean, look at the bright side. Maybe we get married and I can be your step-dad."

"Joe! My mother is not marrying you. Stop being ridiculous."

"That is no way to talk to your new dad."

"Will you both get out."

* * *

**1999**

Ross wrinkles his brow as he turns to face Phoebe. "I don't think this is when bottled beer was invented."

Phoebe rolls her eyes, having no patience for Ross's interruptions. "Fine, beer cans then."

Ross forces out a chuckle. "Uh, I don't think so Pheebs."

"Then maybe it was a jug. I don't know, why is this important to you."

"Because if you're going to tell a story, it should at least make sense."

Chandler shakes his head. "Oh, sure, because up until now, this all made sense. But glass bottles in the 1500s? Now that's how this whole story falls apart."

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler wakes to find a man lying on a cot next to him. He has armor on, which looks to be twisted and mangled. His helmet is off, and the has light brown hair and a thin goatee. Chandler rolls over to try and fall back asleep, but the man starts to groan, obligating Chandler to check on him.

"Hey, uh, you okay guy?" Chandler rolls back over to face his new tentmate and notices a lance sticking out of his side, under his ribs. "oh my god! You have this giant thing stuck in you! Did you know that?"

"Yeah. Ow. This really, really hurts."

"What the hell happened to you?"

"I was in a joust and I guess I got distracted. But you know what, I am going to learn from this and get better."

"Learn what? How to walk again? You're missing an entire part of your body!"

"Yeah, but I'll get better. I hear they have a great doctor here."

"I have some bad news for you guy."

"Yeah. I'll get better. Stronger. And when I do, I'm going to compete in the games again and I will be the ultimate champion."

"Or you'll be dead." Chandler winces as he turns his head away. "What's your name."

"Pete."

"Oh, hey, yeah, you're bankrolling all this, right?"

"Yes. I just love the plays your troupe puts on. That Gunther is a genius! I figured though, while we were waiting, I would have a tournament ring made. You know, to entertain everyone."

"Sure. Just one question. Why would you do that?"

"Well, I want to say it is because I need to continue my training, but really, I was looking to impress this girl. Monica."

"Monica is here? I thought she would have gone to London with the rest of the troupe."

"No. She wouldn't leave. I told her that we should forget London and go to Rome, but she wanted to stay put. So, I thought to put on a show. Win a few jousts, win her favor, get her to marry me."

"Oh." Chandler looks down as his brow wrinkles in confusion.

"Just between you and me, I don't think it matters what I do. All everyone here can talk about is how she is in love with this Chandler person. I think that's why she stayed here. Do you know who that is?"

"Uh, no. I'm, uh, Toby. I don't even know if this Chandler guy is real."

Pete tries to sit up but groans loudly in pain. He coughs and some blood spatters out of his mouth and onto his lips. His wounds from the joust appear even larger then when Chandler first saw them.

"Wow, you know, you are bleeding pretty bad there. Maybe we should get someone to help?"

"My trainer will be here soon. He'll help me out. I am feeling a little woozy. I guess they put the real serious cases in here. Lost limbs, lances through your body, dangerous stuff like that. What are you here for?"

"I don't wanna say."

"Oh come on buddy, it can't be any worse than what happened to me. I fell off my horse, my horse then ran over me, then my opponent drove his lance through me while I was trying to stand up, and I got stuck on it and he dragged me for a few feet."

"Wow. You really are not good at the games."

"We all have war stories pal. Seriously, between you and me, what happened? Fight for the hand of a woman? A duel against a slanderous rival? Defending the Queen, fighting a band of brigands?"

"A sword fell on my foot."

* * *

**1999**

"When are you getting back to me Pheebs? I'm tired of hearing about toes and manure and Monica's exes. How about we get to the good stuff!"

Monica chuckles. "What? I'm not the good stuff?"

"No, Mon, you're fine. Really, but I want torrid romance not, slapstick comedy."

Chandler glances at Rachel. "What is wrong with slapstick comedy? It was good enough for The Three Stooges."

"Well, no one wants to sleep with The Three Stooges."

Phoebe sharply turn to Rachel and shoots her an incredulous glare. "Really? I feel like that Curly could show you a good time."

"Pheobe!"

"Fine. Fine. We'll get to all that. This part is all about the guys while Chandler heals. The next part is about the girls while this is all going on?"

"What? Phoebe, I don't need some sophisticated narrative. I just want to find out what hot guy you hook me up with!"

Phoebe shakes her head. "Man-alive! I cannot get a moment of peace so I can just tell you what happened. You know, I have half a mind not to finish this story and leave. Then you guys will never know how it ends."

Chandler and Ross both stand up and share knowing glances. Ross looks over at the clock. "Well, it is getting late."

"Yeah, I have to get up early tomorrow."

Monica and Rachel both clear their throats, each raising admonishing eyebrows at Ross and Chandler. Ross groans and sits back down. Chandler drops himself back on the couch and eyes the room sarcastically.

"Oh no. Please. Phoebe do not leave us in suspense. Your story is the greatest one ever told."

"I can sense your tone Chandler Bing and I do not condone it, but, this is a great story, and so I accept your apology."

"But I didn't apologi-"

Phoebe cuts him off with a wave of her hand. "I said apology accepted!"

* * *

**The 16****th**** Century**

Chandler wakes up as he hears someone enter the tent. He looks up as he sees Phoebe enter with a tray of food.

"Hey. I brought you this. You should try to get something down."

"Oh. I'm not really hungry."

"But you have to eat. Monica said you have to get your strength up."

"Really?"

"She made this for you."

Chandler allows a slow smile to spread across his lips. "Yeah?"

"Uh….sure. At least have the soup."

"Okay." Chandler sits up and looks over to where Pete was recovering the other day. "Should we offer any to Pete when he gets back?"

"I guess we can, but I don't think he will want any."

"Why?"

"Well, Pete's dead."

"What?!"

"Yeah, turns out, he isn't any good at this jousting stuff."

Chandler nods. "Yeah, you got that right." He starts to spoon himself some soup. "So, uh, Monica. What is she up to? How come I haven't seen her yet."

"She feels terrible about what happened."

Chandler folds his arms and scoffs. "If she felt bad, why send you in here with soup. Unless she is too busy flirting with bottle heirs."

"Will you stop that! Do you know the first thing she did when you passed out? She wrapped your foot up in some of her sheets and then ran around and found you a doctor."

"I have news for you, he was not a doctor!"

Phoebe purses her lips and tilts her head. "Yeah, but, that's beside the point. Don't you like Monica?"

"What? No, I mean, I don't know." Chandler looks down at the soup and then back at Phoebe. "Sure, she's thoughtful, and smart, and devoted and passionate, and don't tell her I said this, but the woman is always right."

"Plus, she has the breasts of a Greek goddess." Phoebe allows her mind to wander as she pictures Monica in her mind.

Chandler looks over suspiciously at Phoebe and she quickly comes out of her stupor and self-consciously bites her lip.

"You all right Pheebs?"

"Yes. I have to go." Phoebe stands up quickly and rushes out of the tent.

Chandler looks down again at the bowl of soup and the tray of food that were prepared for him. He lets his mind drift and he thinks about Monica, not as someone he seems to constantly match wits or trade playful barbs with, but as someone he genuinely enjoys spending time with. As he recounts everything that has happened over this long trip from their hometown to London, he realizes that he has spent more time with Monica than with any other person in the group. Joey was always disappearing, which now that he knows it was to sneak off and have sex with his mother, made Chandler feel very ill. Ross was always sniffing around Rachel; Rachel was on the prowl for eligible bachelors. Phoebe flitted in and out, always having something secretive to do. Monica was the only constant.

They ate together, took walks, set up tents and bedding. They shared details of their childhoods and found many similarities in the absence of their parents' favor. He helped her set up when it was time to cook for the troupe, she cleaned his clothes even though he told her not to (although he is fairly certain that was more for her than him). He made her laugh despite herself, and she made him realize that it was okay to want more than what he was getting out of life.

Then, he let his thoughts go back to a week before the unfortunate toe-cutting incident. It was late at night, and everyone had gone to sleep.

* * *

"_Here." Monica tosses a satchel at Chandler and sits down next to him._

"_What's this?"_

"_You have no purpose here. I've been watching you and you don't do anything."_

"_I like not doing anything."_

"_No you don't. I can tell."_

_Chandler scoffs and then peeks inside the satchel. Parchment paper, quills, graphite pencils, ink. He looks up at her and shakes his head._

"_I don't understand."_

"_I saw you scratching some words on a piece of wood the other day."_

_Chandler stammers a bit as he tries to collect his thoughts. "Oh, I was making a note."_

_Monica eyes him suspiciously. "To who?"_

"_The, uh, woodland creatures."_

_Monica scoffs and shakes her head. "You were writing. I couldn't make it out, but I know I've seen you doing it during the entire trip. Now, at least when you write something, you can keep it with you. Who knows, maybe some of your mother's talent rubbed off on you."_

_Chandler looked down at the satchel. "Where did you get this?"_

"_I did some bartering. Spent some of the money I got paid cooking. I got the bag from the Bloomingdale's. They help Phoebe sew the costumes."_

_Chandler nods. "You didn't have to go through all that trouble."_

"_Chandler, if you want to write, you should. You shouldn't waste time doing odd jobs around here that you don't like. Find your passion."_

"_Is that what you did?"_

"_I'm a chef for Shakespeare! I think I'm doing pretty good."_

_Chandler looks inside the bag once more. "I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."_

"_No shoe. I owe you this. I pay my debts."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Remember when you visited our family before you and Ross left that first time. When you called me fat."_

"_uh….this feels like the other shoe dropping."_

"_No. It's not. You also told me how good my cooking was and how I should be a chef."_

"_I did?"_

"_Yeah. It figures. One of the most important days of my life and you have no recollection of it." Monica stands up and begins to stomp her way back to her tent. "Men!"_

* * *

Chandler looks into the corner of the tent and lets his eyes fall onto the satchel that Monica had gifted him. She no longer seems like she is his adversary. His nemesis. Not like when this trip first started. Now, weeks into their journey together, he realizes, she is his friend, and he wonders, if maybe she can be something more.


End file.
